So you’ve found yourself mixed up in a group of hippies.
Maybe you’re a church type who thought you were giving shelter to a group of homeless people, maybe you never watched those civil defence videos from the 60s and 70s they showed us in high school, maybe you’ve never watched the CBC, I don’t know. For whatever reason, you’ve found yourself mixed up in a group of hippies. You’re not sure what to do, and your brain is telling you to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.
Hippies, aside from Communists, are the worst type of people. They believe in free love, peace, rock music, drugs, and laziness. If you’re not careful, their mottos and beards will convert you into one of them.
We’re going to get through this. Just follow the steps below and everything is going to be all right.
- STAY CALM - This is the most important thing you could possibly do. If hippies sense tension, anger, or fear, they will try to calm you down with hugs and gratuitous use of the word “man”. Be cool, and stay aware of your surroundings.
- DO NOT EAT THEIR BAKED GOODS - If you’re like me, you’re from a small town where the offer of baked goods is just a friendly gesture. But the baked goods from these maniacs are laced with the hardcore drug Marijuana. A guy I went to school with smoked Marijuana once in the 90s and about a week ago he fell of a ladder while he was roofing. It’s deadly, and you do not want to get trapped in the endless cycle of rock music and snacks that accompany this crippling addiction. Also beware of their vans which are often used for “hot-boxing”. They fill the van with so much Marijuana smoke that it becomes a literal death trap.
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR - The “free-love” they promote through promiscuity isn’t so free when you’re paying for herpes cream and therapy sessions. However tempting the women may be, and however much they may seem “into you”, they are not. They are devil children who are trying to brainwash you into their sadistic pleasures.
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN DISCUSSION - Sure, you may think, “but talking about the weather or the local baseball team won’t do any harm!” That’s where you’re deadly wrong, buddy. Talk about all the rain you’ve been having and soon you’ll be balls deep in why society should just shed our clothes and dance naked in a field during a thunderstorm to be closer to God. Baseball? It’s the “man” trying to distract us by creating fake rivalries between people. And after all, aren’t we all the same? Why are we feuding over a ball, “man”? See how this works? Everything to them is about the “man” or getting naked. Steer clear of all conversations. If given the chance, they’ll try to convince you that peace is a reasonable demand.
- PATIENCE - Soon these drug addled psychopaths will fall asleep or go in search of snacks. Once this occurs, run, and run fast. Do not stop running until you see a police station, church, or military base. Report these sickos immediately. Steer clear of libraries, universities, and coffee shops. Remember that God loves you.
Signs to watch out for
Not sure if you’re dealing with a hippie? Watch out for these signs:
- Beards - Hippies have beards, even the females. Their beards are used to hide hardcore drugs like Marijuana.
- Bright clothing - Hippies wear bright clothing for when they are “tripping” on Marijuana. The bright colours cause chemical reactions in their brain, giving them sexual pleasure.
- Dancing - Hippies dance to “express” themselves. What are they expressing, you ask? We don’t know, and you don’t want to be the one to find out.
- Peace symbol - Like the Communist symbol, the peace sign represents anti-freedom. Do not stare at this symbol as disorientation will occur.
- Bicycles - What are these contraptions? How do they work? What happens to someone who isn’t a hippie when they try to use one? Scientists are still trying to find answers to these questions.
As always, if you’re unsure if you are dealing with a hippie, quote scripture or read the Constitution aloud. If the person stays, they’re okay. If they run, find a gun.
Good luck.
