The world according to Alan

My apartment desperately needs to be cleaned before I have guests over. I’m not expecting anyone right now but if any of my friends decide to pop by I would like my place to look less like a garbage dump and more like a recycling plant. 

So if any idiots out there are bored and need some cash, you could come over and help me clean my apartment. I will provide you with one (1) beer, one (1) sandwich of my choosing, and twenty dollars*. You will provide me with one (1) case of beer, one (1) loaf of bread, and your cleaning services. Must be OK with me being partially or fully nude. Must have experience dealing with wild animals including bats, stray dogs & cats, raccoons, squirrels, opossums, and crows. 

I don’t have a front door because I ripped it off to throw at some kids playing skateboards, so just walk in. 

*When I get a job I will totally pay you. 

Watching the news would have you believe that the Republican controlled Congress in the United States isn’t acting quick enough to work out a deal with the Democrats to end the debt crisis. This is accurate and should be believed. However, I just want to let my American friends know that if Congress doesn’t act quick enough, you guys can always just move to a developed country* whose economy escaped financial ruin as a result of an American default.

*Offer not valid in Andorra, Australia, Austria, Belgium, Bermuda, Canada, Denmark, Faroe Islands, Finland, France, Germany, Greece, Holy See, Iceland, Ireland, Israel, Italy, Japan, Liechtenstein, Luxembourg, Malta, Monaco, Netherlands, New Zealand, Norway, Portugal, San Marino, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Turkey, and the United Kingdom.

What did my grandfather fight in the Second World War for if I can’t smell people on the subway or look through their bags when they’re not looking?

What country is this? Soviet Germany?

No. I will not come with you, officer. Just because my lifestyle may be “unfashionable” and I might make people feel “uncomfortable” and I might not be an “upstanding citizen who pays their taxes or votes or wipes properly after going to the washroom”, it doesn’t make me a criminal. “Harassment”, you say? Well how’s this for harassment? That’s right, I’m not wearing any clothes under this trenchcoat. Bet you didn’t see that coming, did you officer?

Where are you taking me? To the Gulags? My grandfather fought and killed people who unjustly imprisoned others. Sure, it was in a Walmart parking lot and yes, the “people” he was killing were pigeons and seagulls and OK, he was taken away to a nursing home, but does it take away from what he was fighting for? It does? 

Hello? I can see you over there. I know you can hear me. I could slip right through these bars, you know. I’d be out of this holding cell, running around the streets of this fair city and you’d lose your job. I know you can hear me. What are you writing down? Is it a letter to your wife, admitting all your war crimes against humanity? Is it a letter of admission to your lawyer? I am in this cell unjustly, and at your hands.

Seriously, I know you can hear me. Can I go to the washroom? I don’t want to poop in front of these people. Hello?

Glenn Beck is a fucking monster.