The world according to Alan

Hurricane Irene wasn’t nearly as bad as previously predicted, and I live in Toronto which wasn’t even close to Irene, but that didn’t stop me from dropping trou and looting stores until the police had to taser me!

USA! USA! USA!

Hey you big dummies! I’m back on the Internets with a real, live computer. I’ve never seen this model before but it’s called a Commodore 64. If anyone else out there has one, hooray! we’re computer buddies. Maybe we could send each other electronic mail messages? 

I can’t believe this whole time I could have been using this computer. It was just sitting in my elderly neighbour’s living room, unguarded and everything. I wonder what other things he has laying around that he can’t use? I saw a bunch of pills when I was rummaging around in his bedroom. I’m thinking of going back tonight to take a bunch.

Anyways, just wanted to let the four of you who actually read my posts know that I’m back. And to everyone who sent a letter, I will not be responding. This is because I have yet to receive a letter from any of you lazy jerks. 

Good luck!

I put up posters around my city advertising free beer and prostitutes. My best friend the garbage man is out of town so I don’t really have anyone to invite to my party I’m throwing tonight. I’m sure as fuck not inviting my neighbour Gary. I hope a bunch of cool people show up and party with me and become my best friends and poo on Gary’s porch with me!
Wish me luck, you big idiots!

Hey guys,

My laptop decided to be a dick and completely die on me. I had been having problems with it for some time but I guess all the pornography I was watching finally killed it. Also, I was watching the pornography to make sure my nephews’ teachers weren’t in them.
I am posting from a phone I found at the creek. The dashboard is all messed up too so I won’t be able to “like” anything until I figure things out. Just know that I probably wouldn’t have liked anything anyway.
In the meantime, you can send me a letter at:
Alan Harris’ Funkadelic Disco Conspiracy studios
102A Madison Avenue Apt. 3
Toronto, Ontario
M5R 2S4

I guarantee I will respond with a hand written letter and a drawing of your choice.

Peace out on the flip side, alley cats!

“All things being equal, I should be the one breaking up with you. You’re the one who cheated on me with that Italian guy that lives upstairs.” I said.

“Are you kidding me, Alan? 5 years of you never listening to me, never caring about my needs, never putting money away for our future, never attempting to work on your issues. I’ve given you more than enough chances and I can’t take any more. We’re through.” Susan said.

I drifted off and began to wonder where everything went wrong. Could it be the beard? My fashion sense? The jar of my toenails I keep in the fridge?

“I can shave, if you want me to. Hello? Susan?” I said to the empty apartment.

Usually I don’t like people’s opinion unless it’s the same as my own. I find that if someone has a different opinion, they’re much, much dumber than I am. 

Today is different for some reason! It could be the powerful pharmaceuticals I ate after finding them near the creek, but I like thinking it’s because of the good advice from that “you can’t fly with turkeys”, or whatever it says, poster.

I implore you all to give me your God’s honest, brutal truth about how you feel about the content I post. I’m looking for constructive criticism here, none of this “faaag” or “you suck nutz” bullshit. I also don’t want anyone saying things like, “I think you’re greaaaat!” or “my only problem is how sexy you are!” Trying to give me compliments, regardless of how true they are, when I’m looking for criticism is also bullshit. Also, go nuts and render yourself anonymous. 

Now I’m not saying I’m going to go changing based on your critiques, but I will carefully consider all of them.

And just know that this is greatly appreciated. 

p.s. I’m not going to be posting them either. Unless you want me to post yours.