The world according to Alan

Doors Open Toronto.

There’s no one that enjoys getting insulted more than me. Call it morbid, call it masochistic, but I love a good insult. However, when I’m being insulted, I like for it to, at the very least, have some intelligence behind it. I don’t think I’m asking for very much here.

I was walking home from the 24 hour grocery store last night (because when you’ve completely given up there’s no better time to buy your groceries than at 1:30 am) and happened to walk past a very large frat party. A few guys were on the lawn and decided I was worthy of their sharp wit.

“Hey. You’re a homo sapien.” One of them drunkenly slurred.

“Pardon me?” I asked, as I was unsure of where the conversation was going.

“You’re a fuckin’ homo sapien.” He said again.

I figured out that he was trying to call me a “homosexual” and was failing miserably at it.

“Uh, yeah. I guess I am.”

“Ohhhhhh, gross! He just admitted to it!” The guy yelled.

I left at that point and was fairly disappointed in the exchange. While I was pretty amused by his stupidity, I was a little upset that my time was wasted by someone whose only accomplishment in life so far was trying, and failing, to imply that a stranger was a homosexual. 

There’s just so many other things to insult in a person. I mean, I’m balding for God’s sake! That’s a gold mine of insults!

Macho Man Randy Savage:

He’s goin’ no where. OHHHHH YEEAHHHHHH!

So guys, it looks like this is our last day together. Yes, I’m (in)famously known for taking hardcore drugs, drinking like there’s no such thing as a liver, having sexual intercourse with literally a bunch of women and my hatred of Cher. But one thing you might not know about me (because you’re a dummy) is that I went to a Catholic Church before I was “excommunicated for defecating in the Confessional Booth”. What this means is that at that wonderful time tomorrow, I’m going to be ascending to the great Pornography store in the sky to basically keep doing what I’ve been doing here on Earth, I guess. 

So I just wanted to say goodbye to all you idiots that are unlucky enough to still be here tomorrow. Also, I don’t like any of you and a few of you kind of smell really weird but I didn’t want to mention it out of politeness. You’re welcome.

If my body stays here for some reason, please don’t do any weird stuff to it, especially weird butt stuff. I have a dog and he’s a pretty big asshole so I don’t think he’ll be coming. If someone could just come by and feed him once in a while that would be great; Instructions are on the fridge. I don’t have a front door so you can pretty much just walk right in.

Well, I have to go. Some people I went to high school with own cars that haven’t had my poop or pee on them yet so, you know, time’s a tickin’. 

So long, dummies. 

p.s. Susan, if you’re reading this, it was me that phoned your employers and said you were a racist.

“I can’t believe they raised the fare again. ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-’ Am I right?” I said.

“Uh… yeah. I suppose.” Mr I-wash-my-clothes said. 

“And that old bag over there? ‘Forever alone’. Get it?”

“I don’t think I know what you mean.”

A few other people on the car were now staring at me, and I began to sweat. “Keep it together, Alan. You can do this. You just need to land a slam dunk.” I thought. 

“Someone better keep an eye on that baby over there! ‘Pedobear’ might be lurking under the seat!”

“‘Pedobear’? What are you talking about? What is wrong with you?” The baby’s stupid mother asked.

“‘I can has cheezburger’. Haha, right guys?” I said as I was escorted off the train.

Did you hear about this? The head of the IMF was arrested for sexual assault. Yeah. Yeah. I wonder if there’ll be anyone willing to bail him out!