I sat naked in my dark apartment.
“Where’s my invitation?” I asked the empty room. “Why didn’t you send me an invitation, Kate?”
I dipped my hand in a paint can filled with my blood and smeared it on the wall.
“I thought we were going to drink tea together, Kate? Don’t you want to drink tea with me? DON’T YOU!?” I yelled at the collage of Kate Middleton photos I had plastered all over the ceiling.
“Alan?! What the fuck?!” My neighbour screamed. “I ask you to babysit the kids for one God-damned night!”
“Kids?” I asked as I climbed out through the window.
“Women love to be touched, so try to touch them as much as possible in as many places as possible. I don’t mean on their body, I mean literal geographic places. The bus, the women’s washroom, the doctors office. They also love to be surprised, so try to sneak up on them when you’re about to touch them.”
I smell a best seller! And burning toast!
As you may know, I am trying to get Crown Publishing to pay me to write a book. What you may not know is that I have pitched a range of book ideas in the past, all of which were turned down for who-knows-what. Here is a list of some of those books.
- The big book of gay dudes.
A book of pictures depicting joyous males.
- My fist inside of you.
An unauthorized biography of Jim Henson.
- Stuff that wiener in my mouth!
A cookbook featuring my favourite summertime recipes!
- A tale of two cocks.
Jerry and Mac are two best friends who go backpacking across Europe. They also happen to be roosters! Hilarity ensues. (Movie idea?)
- I’m behind the bushes.
A no nonsense guide to gardening.
-The big book of black Dicks.
A book of black people named Richard. People would include Little Richard, Reverend Richard Allen and Richard Ewell.
- The Stalker’s Handbook
Tips, advice and troubleshooting in regards to stalking.
Not sure why these aren’t hitting the shelves but several publishing companies have told me that if I try contacting them in regards to these titles, I will face severe penalties. Hint taken, guys!