Welcome to my blog. I know you’ve been following me for some time, but I am just getting around to welcoming you because I am a serious writer who has been busy seriously writing serious things.*
Allow me to ask you a question: Do you like what you see? The answer, of course, is yes. You’ve been here for a while and have yet to unfollow me, despite my posts about poop, alcohol, sexual deviancy and my strong dislike of Cher and Cher related subject matter. Now, because you like what you read, I must ask you another question: Please pay me to write a book. I know that wasn’t a question, but it is pure seriousness nonetheless. I think I would be very good at writing a book whether it be a biography, an autobiography, a textbook, a book of short stories or essays, or a book about alcohol and the crazy things it makes one do. Still not convinced? Here is a list of fancy words I know**:
Antidisestablishmentarianism (I know the definition too!)
Guess what the best part is? I spelled all those fancy words right the first time, without the help of spell check or my mom (Hi Mom!).
In conclusion, I think you should pay me to write a book of some sort. You can even pick the type of book (no full-frontal). I look forward to you giving me money to write a book.***
Alan W Harris
*The validity of this statement is not guaranteed.
**May or may not know the definition to words listed.
Tomorrow Canada’s Minister of Finance, Jim Flaherty, will come out of his hole and submit the Government’s budget to the House of Commons. If the House sees his shadow, we’ll have another year of grumbling and complaining. If they don’t see his shadow, we’re headed to an election.
Many of you may have watched the Comedy Central Roast of Donald Trump. If you didn’t, you’ve probably heard how awful that Jersey Boy, The Stipulation, did. What none of you know, until right now, is that I was also part of the roast. My segment was deemed worse than The Stipulation’s and was entirely removed from the broadcast.
Here is a list of the jokes I told during my bit. Not one person laughed at them.
Donald Trump is so ugly that William Howard Taft would feel better about himself.
My Dad may have died of a heart attack but at least he died before Donald Trump could buy his heart.
If I had a gun I’d shoot myself in the head.
"Roast" of Donald Trump? More like "Boast" of Donald Trump… because he likes boasting about himself. Get it?
Larry King is here. Larry is so old he knew Jesus. That’s how old he is. He’s so old he was alive when Jesus was too. Also he’s Jewish, so that’s also something to laugh about.
Donald Trump builds so many ugly buildings that I wish I was blind so I couldn’t see all of his hideous buildings.
Donald Trump wants to run for president in 2012. Just what America needs, another rich, white president. Am I right, Snoop? White people?
Donald Trump’s hair looks so awful that it looks like someone shit on his head, ate it, threw it back up, ate that, pooped it out, peed on it and then ate it again and then threw it back up again. Also, there’s farts in it.
The Stipulation is here. Go fuck yourself, Mike.
Donald Trump has so many things in common with Hitler. Just think about it. Both men caused minorities to become homeless. And also both are Nazis.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Donald Trump tore his house down.
That’s about the time Ice-T came out of the audience and started punching me in the head. I don’t remember the rest of the night but I hear Larry King was pretty funny! That’s it.
I assume Susan looks like this:
THIS IS SUSAN!
Susan! What are you doing?! So you cheat on me with the Italian guy that lived above us because he owned expensive suits and now you’re posing nude on the Internets? What’s next, Susan? Cocaine binges? THAT’S MY TERRITORY!