February 2011
32 posts
1 tag
They should just let Bruce Vilanch host the Oscars...
cracked: His jokes would seem way funnier coming straight from him.
Feb 28th
10 notes
7 tags
If you think the Jets returning to Winnipeg is a...
Feb 28th
3 notes
1 tag
On a message to my followers!
Hi guys (and girls)! Remember a little while ago when I posted this? If you said, “yes”, you’re probably lying. To date I have received exactly zero letters in the mail which suggests one of two things, 1) You dummies are lazy or, 2) No one wants to write me a letter. Either answer is fine by me, as I usually don’t reply to pleas (Haha, let you free? After all you saw me...
Feb 27th
1 tag
Hey, you big dummies! Click this link and vote for... →
Feb 26th
5 tags
Hey, Tumblr, thanks for letting me know that I...
Feb 23rd
8 notes
8 tags
Feb 23rd
19 notes
8 tags
Feb 22nd
2 notes
6 tags
If you ever become a prostitute and run away to...
Feb 22nd
4 notes
Anonymous asked: http://elephanthouse.tumblr.com/
Feb 22nd
3 notes
9 tags
On meetings
The guy at the front of the room droned on and on. I couldn’t take it anymore and finally decided to do something about the monotony. “Board meeting? More like bored meeting! Am I right?” I said.  There was an awkward shuffling in the room and Susan mouthed the words, “What is wrong with you?” “Why didn’t you remind me we were at a funeral?!” I...
Feb 21st
6 notes
4 tags
"Oh, I'm a huge Crocodile Dundee fan." - Probably...
Feb 20th
255 notes
5 tags
What would you do if Whoopi Goldberg walked into...
Feb 19th
11 notes
7 tags
On my Craigslist ad (that they keep removing)
Title: SEEKING BUSINESS PARTNERS (DRUG DEALERS) - Anywhere Dear Drug Dealers,  Allow me to introduce myself, I am a wealthy millionaire with literally billions of dollars seeking to team up with a drug dealer, or drug dealers, to implement an exciting new strategy to your business. Haha, don’t let my prestige frighten you, I own many Girls Gone Wild video movie tapes. Here is the skinny,...
Feb 18th
13 notes
6 tags
Feb 17th
280 notes
7 tags
UNCLE LEO! died today, probably from that mail...
Feb 17th
7 notes
8 tags
On a good idea!
Hearing the news of a South Dakota bill that would allow murder to prevent harm to a fetus, I have thought of the perfect solution to protect doctors who preform abortions.  Why don’t you doctors get pregnant? That way no one could kill you because they would be harming a fetus.  You’re welcome.
Feb 16th
14 notes
7 tags
On Bill O'Reilly!
Bill O’Reilly is a genius. There, I said it.  I see him being chastised all over the Internets for his recent scientist video in which he explains how we don’t know how things happened and therefore a Supreme Being magically did it. I don’t know where the jocularity is in this. He has a point and a damned good one. How are you reading these words? How did they get to you?...
Feb 16th
4 notes
9 tags
On being a hero!
The beehive fell from the tree and landed directly onto his head, completely covering it, just as I had planned. His muffled screams from within the hive were barely audible.  I had lured this man deep into the woods, the very woods he was planning on bulldozing. Years of watching movies and television shows depicting the underdog rising up and scaring off the villains using hilarious tactics had...
Feb 16th
6 notes
1 tag
On holidays!
I hope none of you dummies get herpes tonight!  Also, high fives if you give herpes tonight!
Feb 14th
2 notes
Feb 13th
32 notes
On the winner of a Ziploc bag of my hair
After putting everyone’s name in a hat (all three people who participated in the contest) and picking one out, the winner is Pastrami Sandwich.  Congratulations, Pastrami Sandwich! You are the proud owner of some of my hair. Just leave me your address in my ask port and I’ll send it along. Thanks to all (three) of you that participated. You aren’t dummies like the rest of the...
Feb 13th
3 notes
1 tag
I feel like there's something big happening right...
#Egypt #Poo Jokes
Feb 11th
1 note
culturedscene asked: When did you (or did you) marry Susan?
Feb 10th
6 notes
Feb 9th
25 notes
guitarmanjb asked: This reminded me of you.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/law-and-order/8301100/Court-bans-man-with-low-IQ-from-having-sex.html
Feb 8th
3 notes
7 tags
On In-laws!
“On first glance this appears to be just a regular cupboard door, but when you look closely it’s actually hinged in the middle so it can close on a corner.” I said. “Yes, Alan, they see that but could you just get the wine and come ba-“  “And inside the cupboard there’s a shelf. It’s not just any shelf, though. Watch.” I said. I started...
Feb 7th
4 notes
Feb 6th
12 notes
2 tags
Feb 5th
19 notes
1 tag
Feb 5th
12 notes
When did reporters being attacked in Egypt become...
Feb 5th
23 notes
Feb 3rd
1,904 notes
7 tags
On interviews!
“How did the interview go?” Susan asked as I walked in the door. “Well, it was going well until I farted. The smell was so bad that the woman interviewing me actually started gagging.” I replied. “Jesus Christ, Alan. You literally can’t do anything right.” “Literally, Susan? I literally can’t do anything right? You are an idiot, Susan,...
Feb 1st
13 notes