Remember a little while ago when I posted this? If you said, “yes”, you’re probably lying. To date I have received exactly zero letters in the mail which suggests one of two things, 1) You dummies are lazy or, 2) No one wants to write me a letter. Either answer is fine by me, as I usually don’t reply to pleas (Haha, let you free? After all you saw me do to that bag of Doritos!?)
Anyways, if you forgot the deal here it is:
"Alan Harris Alan Harris’ Funkadelic Disco Conspiracy Studios 3-102A Madison Avenue Toronto, Ontario M5R 2S4
So yeah, send me a letter and I’ll send you a drawing and a hand written letter. Maybe you will send me cash in small bills.”
Title: SEEKING BUSINESS PARTNERS (DRUG DEALERS) - Anywhere
Dear Drug Dealers,
Allow me to introduce myself, I am a wealthy millionaire with literally billions of dollars seeking to team up with a drug dealer, or drug dealers, to implement an exciting new strategy to your business. Haha, don’t let my prestige frighten you, I own many Girls Gone Wild video movie tapes.
Here is the skinny, I am impressed by your business skills. Not since coffee and cigarettes has a product, crack-cocaine, literally forced customers to continue to purchase the product. However, drug use is declining and in order to survive, a business needs to find new ways to get people to buy their products.
This is where I come in. Working with me we will implement a points program wherein a customer will earn a set amount of points when they purchase a specific product, in this case hardcore drugs. When the customer, or “junkie”, reaches a certain amount of points, they can trade them in for discounts, pornography videos, sessions with a prostitute, ect. Don’t let my suggestions limit you, be creative! Maybe they can trade in some points to ensure that they won’t be shivved for a certain amount of visits? Who knows! The sky is the limit.
So “shoot” me a “line” if you’re interested in my brilliant idea. Hope to hear from you soon!
I see him being chastised all over the Internets for his recent scientist video in which he explains how we don’t know how things happened and therefore a Supreme Being magically did it. I don’t know where the jocularity is in this. He has a point and a damned good one.
How are you reading these words? How did they get to you? Can’t explain that. Therefore God must have magically taken time out of his busy schedule to allow you to see them. Right? Or how about Bill O’Reilly? Can you explain how he has a top rated television show? No, you can’t. Can’t explain it. Do you think sane, intelligent, logically thinking adults actually watch his program? What, millions of people just want to watch his bullshit? Give me a break.
Let me go on record as saying that I salute Bill O’Reilly, scientist.
The beehive fell from the tree and landed directly onto his head, completely covering it, just as I had planned. His muffled screams from within the hive were barely audible.
I had lured this man deep into the woods, the very woods he was planning on bulldozing. Years of watching movies and television shows depicting the underdog rising up and scaring off the villains using hilarious tactics had paid off. He would be so scared of bees after this that he would call off his plans and the forest would be saved. I’d be a hero.
His lifeless body laid still in the leaves. Kramer, my imaginary friend named after the hilarious Seinfeld character, told me to steal the man’s wallet.
"Good idea, Kramer! Now let’s go get some ice cream." I said, loudly.
Later that night I watched a news story about a philanthropist being found dead in the very woods where he had planned on bulldozing to build a children’s hospital.
"Oooo, creepy! Those were the same woods we were in today, Kramer!” I said.
"I’m in the bathroom, I can’t hear you." He replied.
Susan and I have been married for 3 happy years. Yep, completely happy and flawless. She didn’t cheat on me with the Italian fashion designer that lives in the apartment above us and then leave me for him. Nope. Everything is fine.
This reminded me of you.
Haha! Don’t be silly, I’m allowed to have sexual intercourse all the time with everyone everywhere. Those stupid courts can’t stop me from doing anything, unless it’s going near a school zone or a retirement facility.
"On first glance this appears to be just a regular cupboard door, but when you look closely it’s actually hinged in the middle so it can close on a corner." I said.
"Yes, Alan, they see that but could you just get the wine and come ba-"
"And inside the cupboard there’s a shelf. It’s not just any shelf, though. Watch." I said.
I started turning the Lazy Susan around, allowing it to reveal our other canned goods.
"You see? It’s not just a regular shelf. It’s a Lazy Susan. Haha, but it’s certainly not named after your Susan here!"
"Yes, Alan, we know. We have one of those at our house." My father in law said.
I locked eyes with him and continued to turn the Lazy Susan around, and around, and around. “I’m not going to break eye contact.” I thought, “not for him, not for Susan not for anyone.” After about ten minutes of the one sided staring contest Susan’s parents decided to leave.
"That’s right old man. This is my castle and I’m the King. You’re just a little stamp that I’m going to lick and put on this letter I’m about to mail to the President.” I said to the empty room.