They should just let Bruce Vilanch host the Oscars...
cracked: His jokes would seem way funnier coming straight from him.
If you think the Jets returning to Winnipeg is a...
On a message to my followers!
Hi guys (and girls)! Remember a little while ago when I posted this? If you said, “yes”, you’re probably lying. To date I have received exactly zero letters in the mail which suggests one of two things, 1) You dummies are lazy or, 2) No one wants to write me a letter. Either answer is fine by me, as I usually don’t reply to pleas (Haha, let you free? After all you saw me...
Hey, you big dummies! Click this link and vote for... →
Hey, Tumblr, thanks for letting me know that I...
If you ever become a prostitute and run away to...
Anonymous asked: http://elephanthouse.tumblr.com/
The guy at the front of the room droned on and on. I couldn’t take it anymore and finally decided to do something about the monotony. “Board meeting? More like bored meeting! Am I right?” I said. There was an awkward shuffling in the room and Susan mouthed the words, “What is wrong with you?” “Why didn’t you remind me we were at a funeral?!” I...
"Oh, I'm a huge Crocodile Dundee fan." - Probably...
What would you do if Whoopi Goldberg walked into...
On my Craigslist ad (that they keep removing)
Title: SEEKING BUSINESS PARTNERS (DRUG DEALERS) - Anywhere Dear Drug Dealers, Allow me to introduce myself, I am a wealthy millionaire with literally billions of dollars seeking to team up with a drug dealer, or drug dealers, to implement an exciting new strategy to your business. Haha, don’t let my prestige frighten you, I own many Girls Gone Wild video movie tapes. Here is the skinny,...
UNCLE LEO! died today, probably from that mail...
On a good idea!
Hearing the news of a South Dakota bill that would allow murder to prevent harm to a fetus, I have thought of the perfect solution to protect doctors who preform abortions. Why don’t you doctors get pregnant? That way no one could kill you because they would be harming a fetus. You’re welcome.
On Bill O'Reilly!
Bill O’Reilly is a genius. There, I said it. I see him being chastised all over the Internets for his recent scientist video in which he explains how we don’t know how things happened and therefore a Supreme Being magically did it. I don’t know where the jocularity is in this. He has a point and a damned good one. How are you reading these words? How did they get to you?...
On being a hero!
The beehive fell from the tree and landed directly onto his head, completely covering it, just as I had planned. His muffled screams from within the hive were barely audible. I had lured this man deep into the woods, the very woods he was planning on bulldozing. Years of watching movies and television shows depicting the underdog rising up and scaring off the villains using hilarious tactics had...
I hope none of you dummies get herpes tonight! Also, high fives if you give herpes tonight!
On the winner of a Ziploc bag of my hair
After putting everyone’s name in a hat (all three people who participated in the contest) and picking one out, the winner is Pastrami Sandwich. Congratulations, Pastrami Sandwich! You are the proud owner of some of my hair. Just leave me your address in my ask port and I’ll send it along. Thanks to all (three) of you that participated. You aren’t dummies like the rest of the...
I feel like there's something big happening right...
#Egypt #Poo Jokes
culturedscene asked: When did you (or did you) marry Susan?
guitarmanjb asked: This reminded me of you.
“On first glance this appears to be just a regular cupboard door, but when you look closely it’s actually hinged in the middle so it can close on a corner.” I said. “Yes, Alan, they see that but could you just get the wine and come ba-“ “And inside the cupboard there’s a shelf. It’s not just any shelf, though. Watch.” I said. I started...
When did reporters being attacked in Egypt become...
“How did the interview go?” Susan asked as I walked in the door. “Well, it was going well until I farted. The smell was so bad that the woman interviewing me actually started gagging.” I replied. “Jesus Christ, Alan. You literally can’t do anything right.” “Literally, Susan? I literally can’t do anything right? You are an idiot, Susan,...