I hope I can go another year without suffering a...
If I don't find my gun in the next 4 hours my 2011...
Jesus: Judas, hey. Yo. You. Hey. What is up.
Judas: I'm going to assume from that garbled grasp of English that you're already drunk for New Year's?
Jesus: "Already"? Try *still*. It was only my birthday a week ago, man, I've still got a buzz goin'.
Judas: I don't think that's healthy.
Jesus: Quit worrying. Jeez. I swear, all your negativity is going to be the death of me.
Judas: Normally you'd be really frustrating me right now, but you know what? I'm turning over a new leaf. One of my resolutions for 2012 is "be a calmer person".
Jesus: Oh, right, resolutions. Yeah. Those are a thing.
Judas: Well surely you don't need to make any, since you're already perfect, right?
Jesus: Hey. Hey. You can always be better, Jude. Like, okay - water's pretty good, right? Especially if you're one of those dolphins the local aquarium took in? Well, you know what's better than water?
Judas: For dolphins? Nothing. The end. End of the story.
Jesus: WINE, dude. I turned that shit into *wine*. Totally improved, one hundred percent. "It's time for an undersea par-tay!" That's the song I sang.
Jesus: At the aquarium.
Judas: And I'm sure everything turned out great, huh?
Jesus: Actually, it did. Because you know what else wine is great for? Funerals.
Judas: Dolphin funerals?
Jesus: You. Are. Getting. The hang. Of. This.
Twitter is just a bunch of people standing in...
Look, if I want to watch Days of our Lives in the nude and drink pots of tea, instead of trying to find a job and be responsible, I am going to damn well do so! This is Canada, asshole! I’m exercising my rights! NO! You get out of my house! SHUT UP! The commercial’s over!
My first sexist joke!
My girlfriend was on her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I was all like, “Can you make me a fucking sandwich?” And she said, “No problem, and remember it’s your turn to cook dinner and wash the dishes tonight! And please mind your language.” I said, “You’re right, sorry. And thank you for getting me a sandwich. I love you.” Haha,...
Christmas kind of sucks knowing that the J-Man...
Merry Christmas, Everyone.
I love you all. In a sexual way. May peace, love, and good health be yours in the new year.
Husband in Family Christmas Card Thinking of...
On long lost loves
Tonight I wanted to reconnect with my long lost love, baked potatoes. When they arrived I ate them all and now the police are here and I think I’m going to jail :(
Rob Delaney: My least favorite people (at this... →
robdelaney: My least favorite people (at this second) are people who feel Obama “let them down” or “didn’t deliver on his promise.” Guys, “HOPE” was a one syllable slogan, a logo even, to get a corporate backed, big D Democrat elected in a cash contest. People like you are THE SAME THING as the “undecided” Republican caucus voters in Iowa being interviewed now and saying they’re not sure which...
North Korean State Television is reporting that Kim Jong Il has risen from the dead, tap danced his way into an awaiting space shuttle, and was taken to the Moon where he will reign as Universal Dear Leader. In a show of jubilee, North Koreans have began fasting. State Television is denying International reports that North Koreans are starving due to lack of food, and not from fasting....
On being single!
Some naysayers (family, friends, general members of the community) have told me that I’m living an “unhealthy” lifestyle. They are clearly wrong, though, because I haven’t been this happy since I met Susan, my ex-wife. While I was married to her it was nothing but, “find a job” this and “have you found a job yet?” that. Now that I’ve been...
Just drank a bowl full of chunky milk without...
Today is going to be a wild and ~cRaZy~ day!
codyjohnston: cracked: Rick Perry’s Really Gay Creekside Christmas Party YouTube took our Rick Perry video down again, so here it is in our own video player so you can watch it whenever and forever. We will not remove it. It only took YouTube an hour to remove it the second time. We are baffled by this for two reasons, one being that we know that thousands of people have already flagged the...
Anonymous asked: this is embarrassing.. but i get a free bottle every time someone buys one at mangoaff725(dót)com and these things work better than adderall.. i legit lost 15lbs in 2 weeks.. try them. they seriously work like crazy.
Guys, did you know that the electric company will...
Sent from my iPhone 5Next or whatever.