My girlfriend was on her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I was all like, “Can you make me a fucking sandwich?” And she said, “No problem, and remember it’s your turn to cook dinner and wash the dishes tonight! And please mind your language.”
I said, “You’re right, sorry. And thank you for getting me a sandwich. I love you.”
My least favorite people (at this second) are people who feel Obama “let them down” or “didn’t deliver on his promise.” Guys, “HOPE” was a one syllable slogan, a logo even, to get a corporate backed, big D Democrat elected in a cash contest. People like you are THE SAME THING as the “undecided” Republican caucus voters in Iowa being interviewed now and saying they’re not sure which candidate’s message (i.e. lies) resonates most with them.
I didn’t vote for Obama in 2008 (I CERTAINLY didn’t vote for McCain) but I’ll vote for him next year. The 2 party system is garbage and will ruin our country if we don’t amend it to at the very least include run-off elections, but the Republican party is composed almost exclusively of actual psychos and morons, while the Democratic party is maybe 65% psycho/moron. So even if you view it as biting the bullet and choosing the lesser of two evils, the Democratic party (right now, in 2011) is measurably “less evil.” (See health care, education, civil rights, etc.) Step out of your current fantasy chamber and enter another where the House Republicans who embarrassed the nation with their manufactured debt crisis are tasked with responding to a 9/11-level nightmare. Imagine too that one of them now occupies the Oval Office. Soak that up for a minute.
Obama let you down? Blow it out your ass. He’s a multi-millionaire career politician who doesn’t know you exist, you sissy, but he might be the reason your grandkids have health insurance.
My most favourite person is Rob Delaney, and one day I hope to touch him.
North Korean State Television is reporting that Kim Jong Il has risen from the dead, tap danced his way into an awaiting space shuttle, and was taken to the Moon where he will reign as Universal Dear Leader.
In a show of jubilee, North Koreans have began fasting. State Television is denying International reports that North Koreans are starving due to lack of food, and not from fasting. Government Officials have also issued a press release claiming any reports that the country is in shambles is American propaganda.
Kim Jong Il is expected to address the Universe on the weekend from his friend Bernie’s house with the help of two close friends.
Some naysayers (family, friends, general members of the community) have told me that I’m living an “unhealthy” lifestyle. They are clearly wrong, though, because I haven’t been this happy since I met Susan, my ex-wife.
While I was married to her it was nothing but, “find a job” this and “have you found a job yet?” that. Now that I’ve been divorced for about 2 years, I’m finally living the most awsomest way imaginable.
Just take a look at what my day consisted of today:
-Woke up at 8:30 to the sound of people going to church. I shut my window and blinds and fell back to sleep.
-Woke up at 12:30 and ate breakfast which consisted of Apple Jacks, milk that I didn’t know was chunky, and coffee that tasted like gasoline.
-Got dressed which meant socks, boxers and a sweater (because it’s cold in my apartment).
-Stared at the Internet for several hours.
-Ate dinner which consisted of a box of crackers, a tube of liverwurst, and 8000% of my recommended daily intake of sodium.
-Listened to a side of an R.L. Burnside record while looking at antiques on eBay.
-Played that game with my cat where you make him chase around a laser dot and then you start pointing the laser at your neighbour’s eyes.
-Talked to the police for a while.
-Thought about looking for a job.
-Ate 6 pouches of instant oatmeal.
And now here I am writing this entry. As you can see, I’m living the life of freedom, economic, social, or otherwise. Hell, I don’t even have to spend my money on laundry and can spend it on pizza instead! And I do!
So here’s to you, Susan! The best thing to ever happen to me was when you cheated on me with the Italian fashion designer who lived in the apartment above us!
this is embarrassing.. but i get a free bottle every time someone buys one at mangoaff725(dót)com and these things work better than adderall.. i legit lost 15lbs in 2 weeks.. try them. they seriously work like crazy.
So does the tapeworm medication you’re going to need.