here is a message for you. although I enjoy your self-asks more, I thought I’d shoot you one. what are your thoughts on peanut butter? chunky? creamy? stick em in a stew?
First, I love peanut butter. Every single day I eat dozens of peanut butter and jam sandwiches, much to the dismay of everyone who knows me. They always say stupid things like, “your blood test results show that you’re malnourished,” and “your diet cannot consist solely of peanut butter and jam or your health will continue to decay.” Personally, I like the crunchy peanut butter because the little peanut bits get stuck in the holes of my teeth. Later, during a particularly boring stretch at the office, I’ll wiggle them out with my tongue for a nice game/snack.
Remember when you shaved off your eyebrows because you thought everyone at the office would think you were a badass, but then they made you take your two weeks vacation early and then you couldn’t take Susan to Delaware for your second Honeymoon?
Hey stupid! I noticed you didn't post a Monday's Mail Bag yesterday. Is that because it was a stupid idea?
Shut up! You’re the stupid one here!
I didn’t post one yesterday because I didn’t feel like it, okay? Not because no one sent me a message! I’ll have you know that thousands of people sent me messages. Dozens of them were from women wanting to have sexual intercourse with me, and several were from world leaders asking me to be their friend. So HA!
And even IF no one sent me a message, so what? Aren’t you the loser who keeps posting your address in hopes of getting a letter from someone and all you’ve ever gotten in the mail are subpoenas? BOOM!
Hey you big dummies! Guess which of your favourite Tumblrers is having a guest over to their house? Me! So to all you naysayers who have claimed that I am a “friendless loser who needs to get over his ex-wife and move on” are totally wrong. I obviously don’t need to get over my ex-wife in order to have friends.
So now I have to do something called “clean up” which sounds just as stupid as it is. Basically, instead of having things all over your apartment, you pile those things in one location to make it look like you have control over your life. “Clean up” also includes washing dishes, but they’ve all fused together after not being washed for so long, so I’m just going to throw them out. I eat over the sink anyway so it’s not like I need them.
Well, I just wanted to give an update to those who are “worried about me” and who think I have “issues”. It’s clear that I am FINE and you guys are the ones who have issues.
Also, if someone knows of somewhere I could get a front door on short notice that would be great. I took mine off to throw at some kids playing skateboards and they stole it when they skated away. Thanks!
People often ask me things like, “Alan, why are you doing all these terrible things to our lawn?” and “are you on PCP?”
It’s hard to imagine that a human being can live in actual freedom. I can literally do anything I want, regardless of the consequences. You know why? Because I don’t give a shit!
-Oh I’m sorry, did I just knock your HOT SOUP into your lap?
-What’s the special of the day, waiter? KAPOW! NUT SHOT!
-I just farted on your baby, you dummies!
-Whoa, I hear sirens. I’m out of here!
Want to know the secret? I realised long ago that we all die alone. And instead of moping around like one of those Elmo kids that hang around the Blockbuster and have black fingernails, I chose to air punch my way through life!
I am high on PCP! I am going to run naked through your sprinklers!
Today is Monday’s Mail Bag, the day that I answer all the questions people sent to me, regardless of how stupid they are.
Okay, so when I opened the bag a moth flew out of it and gave me the finger. So that either means you dummies were too dumb to leave me a message, or your interest is wavering in this here blog.
Here’s one I made up to satisfy my quota.
Hi Alan, I was wondering how you’re so damned awesome all the time? What can I do to be just as awesome as you? I think you are single handedly the greatest person to ever occupy this planet. I love you, and I know where you live. Love ALWAYS, Alan xoxo
Hi there, Anonymous! To answer your questions: Drugs.
Look at all of their soulless faces. All yearning for something they cannot obtain. Will the darkness that engulfs me, engulf them? Will they ever stop lying to themselves about being happy? Happiness does not exist. Only darkness and death. Death will consume us all and everything we’ve ever done will be forgotten. Well, maybe except for the time I dressed up like Geddy Lee for Halloween and refused to change out of the costume for seven months. The newspapers reported on that pretty heavily, and were extremely unkind in their analysis of me. Like when I tried getting on stage at the RUSH concert, the papers reported that I was a crazed stalker. That wasn’t true. I just genuinely believed that I was Geddy Lee because I had worn the costume for so long. So yeah, people might remember that for a long time. Actually, people still write about the time my Great-Grandfather threw an avocado at William Howard Taft. Where did he even get an avocado back then? What was I writing about? Oh yeah, RUSH. Great band, right?
This person right here has been lifting family photos from thesepeople and passing them off as their own. The photos in question are of a little girl, who the writer claims is her own daughter, and a baby, who they claim to be the Aunt of.
The writer writes up long, detailed posts about their “daughter” or being an Aunt. Although convincing, the posts are untrue and therefore extremely disturbing.
If any of you could join in and report the page so that it is taken down, that would be greatly appreciated.
To report a page, email email@example.com. Include the URL to the page you are reporting, and a description of why.
Starting today, each Monday will be “Alan’s Monday Mail Bag!” Send your mail through my ask box, my email, or my real address! All mail will be answered each Monday, regardless of how stupid it is.
Seeing how this is the first Monday, I will answer old mail I never got around to answering because I didn’t care.
"My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year and 1 month. Recently we started to talk about having sex, and he told me that we should try these things and not stay the same.. i told him Im not ready yet and that I will tell him when Im ready.. he totally understands.. he told me that he is ready whenever I am.. and we started to have phone sex and we havent done this for sumtime now.. Im scared now. Why did he stop? ..Im scared he might get somone better than me at these things and someone who is much prettier:( what should I do? I really want and need him. I know he loves me, so do I."
He stopped because phone sex is stupid. How can you touch, kiss, or blankly and unlovingly stare at the other person? How are your genitals supposed to rub uncomfortably together? I say pass all the lead up bullshit and go straight for what all us adults are doing: Angrily masturbating in the bathroom when our wife/husband falls asleep.
“You look 12 on your video. It is disturbing! In a cute way, but still. And yet you are awesome, thought-provoking on a regular basis.”
I am 64 years old, so I apologise if I have ever mislead you. And how dare you say something so vial! Thoughts have no place here!
“Cool it with the whole pedophilia thing, bro. Not cool.”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. There is a HUGE difference between paedophilia and accidentally getting your morning newspaper in the nude because you were too hungover to realise you weren’t clothed at the same time a school bus is driving past your house.
And that’s all. Join next Monday when hopefully I’ll have real mail from people who are comfortable enough to post under their own name!
Mail can be sent through my ask box here: Ask! Through my email at firstname.lastname@example.org Or sent to: Alan Harris Alan Harris’ Funkadelic Disco Conspiracy Studios 102A Madison Avenue Toronto, Ontario M5R 2S4
"Among my Facebook friends yesterday,more than one wrote publicly that they were “crying” or “can’t stop crying” or “teared up” due to Steve Jobs’ death. Really now. You can’t stop crying, now that you’ve heard that a middle-aged CEO has passed on, after a long battle with cancer? If humans were always so empathetic, well, that would be understandable. But this type of one-upmanship of public displays of grief is both unbecoming and undeserved.
Real outpourings of public grief should be reserved for those people who lived life so heroically and selflessly that they stand as shining examples of love for all of humanity. People like, for example, the Rev. Fred Shuttlesworth, who—along with his family—was bombed, beaten, and stabbed during his years of principled activism in the US civil rights movement. Shuttlesworth died yesterday, the same day as Steve Jobs. He did not die a billionaire.” - Hamilton Nolan, Gawker
This week Alfred Rooney, the 33 year veteran of CBS’ 60 Minutes program, retired. CBS immediately began a search to find a replacement, and that replacement ended up being me for four days. For whatever reason, CBS has decided to never re-air my 60 Minutes segments I titled, “Alan’s opinion hole.” Because most of you probably didn’t see them when they aired, I decided to provide the transcripts below. Enjoy!
"I can’t believe it’s not butter"? I can! It says right on the package that it’s not butter. That’s what is wrong with this country; people can’t read. When I was a kid my dad used to lock me in the basement and spray me through the windows with the garden hose if I didn’t read something perfectly. Are parents afraid of disciplining their kids? Mine weren’t! Heck, my dad left home in the middle of the night because I didn’t eat all of my dinner and he still hasn’t returned. It’s been 16 years! I damn well eat all of my dinner now, and I know I’m putting margarine on it too, despite what the packaging says.
I have a negro neighbour who insists on playing his silly rap music at all hours of the night. Sometimes he plays it as late as 9 pm. In the mornings I try to confront him about it and all he does is call the cops on me! Apparently it’s a “crime” to hide underneath the stairwell until he leaves for work, and then follow him to work, and then wait outside his office building until he leaves for home, and then follow him home, and then hide underneath the stairwell overnight to repeat the process the next morning. Well correct me if I’m wrong but this country was founded on the right of individuals to pursue happiness. How happy am I supposed to feel being lead out of my apartment building in my bathrobe because I’ve been “harassing” my neighbours?
Last night I used a word with a derogatory connotation. I apologize and have been told by my higher ups that it will not happen again. This week’s segment was supposed to be about itchy sweaters but I’ve been in sensitivity training and haven’t had time to write it. I have, however, had more than enough time to fume over how itchy my damn sweaters are. Make softer sweaters, god dammit!
Segment 4 was actually just 19 minutes of me staring at the camera because the producer thought it would be funny to not tell me I was live on the air. There are a couple minutes of me picking my nose, several of me berating a camera man for not having short enough hair, and about three minutes of me being punched and kicked by the production crew while I was being dragged away by security. It was my last broadcast.
So there you have it, my time in the spotlight. Have no fear, though, because I’m attempting to petition CBS to allow me back on their station. If they know what’s good for them they’ll do it, too. I’m serious, CBS. Don’t you dare screw with me.
We had a great turn out of Occupiers last night to our first General Assembly. It ran fairly informal but we had some great discussion and ideas thrown out. One amazing thing I have been seeing is that people come to these meetings, share what they are doing and work with the rest of us to establish our goals as well! So you all want an update on where the Occupation stands. Well here it is!
1. Emails have been established for each committee, as the movement grows more committees will develop, and sub-committees will be required. For now we focus on four.
Legal Aid - occupyTOlegal@gmail.com - Contact them if you are willing to work with the development of our legal support.
Media - occupyTOmedia@gmail.com - The media team has been growing well. We are not accepting anymore volunteers, at least for the day, so we can regroup and organize ourselves.
Logistics - occupyTOlogistics@gmail.com - The logistics committee is in dire need of support and volunteer staff. Anyone experienced in this field, we would love your help. Even if you don’t have experience with it, the way we can learn and develop together will only empower you as individuals and unite us as a group. Logistics is going to need A LOT of volunteers. During the occupation Food will become its own committee, however any interest in working with our kitchen and our food team, please contact logistics.
Outreach - occupyTOoutreach@gmail.com - Last night the assembly concluded that outreach is our most vital action right now. Outreach is in need of people with relations to labour unions, NGOs, Grass-root activist organizations, and human rights organizations. We cannot successfully occupy without the support of all of these individuals and organizations. Already many Unions have stood and marched with Occupy Wall St. and only through the constant communication with the organizations around us will we find solidarity. If you are interested in working with the outreach committee, please contact them.
2. The Assembly last night had some amazing dialogue, before and after the Assembly we broke off into groups swapping around ideas and opinions for what we’d like to see. None of them are on a consesus as the group of us did not want to speak for the rest of you. What we can say is this. OccupyToronto and OccupyWallStreet are about offering space for constant and consistent direct democratic action. While we understand that all of us have lives and things we’d rather be doing, it is crucial that if you support this movement, we ask you to offer whatever you can, be it time, knowledge, supplies, or an idea. Only through the shared efforts of the people, will we see any change. Only through constant pressure on banking institutions and the government will they learn that the people are speaking, and will continue until we are heard and obeyed.
3. We are reaching out to a wide variety of organizations and individuals. Through their shared expertise, the forum OccupyTO is providing, and the impassioned interest of you,the people, will we find our voice. To help aid in that formulation, every DAY we will be providing a curriculum of talks, speakers, forums, working groups that you can attend. If you are the artistic type, a creation lab will be available that you can work with other artists and activists to make signs, design chants, edit movies, MAKE movies. If you are an activist share your time in planning direct action through the Occupy Movement. A business owner? Tell your story at the Local Economics forum. There are going to be so many ways people can share, learn, and work with each other. We hope the movement becomes more than a protest, more than a series of marches - but a space where people can come and help awaken the new global consciousness. However, we NEED your help. Only with your support and efforts can we achieve these great ideas! So contact the committees, talk to us on facebook, question us through Tumblr. We will welcome any and all help!
We love You, for You are Us. We are the 99%. Expect Us.