Dear followers,
For the time being I will not be able to post anything or like any posts. Apparently cats like to chew through wires. It just so happens that they decided to chew through my internet wire. I’m posting this from the library and you know how much I hate those. No pornography? You have to be kidding me!
Love,
Alan
I think a good idea for a children’s book would be one where a millionaire finds a family of stray cats in his garden. Seeing that there is a kitten and that the parent cats have a look in their eye that says, “please, sir, you could give him so much more,” he picks up the kitten and takes it into his mansion. Later we see that the kitten has grown into a cat and works as a powerful executive at an international bank and wears really fancy suits. One day he decides to find his parents so he can buy them a house in the country. He finds out, though, that the illegal immigrant gardeners employed by the millionaire ate his parents. After this maybe there’s a lesson about cost cutting and cheap labour or something.
I think the main problem with libraries is the lack pornography magazines and booths a guy can go into to look at those pornography magazines. Another problem with the library? Too many books. No one reads those anymore, you stupid audiophiles. I suggest replacing books with movies about guys getting hit in the sack or animals doing un-animal things, like a cat riding a tricycle or a gorilla smoking a cigar.
I can’t wash up right now because my neighbour Douglas rented a backhoe and dug up my water pipes while he was high on crystal meth. He’s always talking about shape shifting lizards from an underground layer posing as our world leaders or something. His wife took him to the hospital and he’s on medication now so I think he’s going to be okay.
Thanks for the question!
Dear followers,
This is a letter to tell you all that I may go to jail by the end of the night. I’m at a social gathering with a racist, homophobic, xenophobe. I don’t know how many racial slurs or homophobic remarks I will be able to handle before I absolutely lose it.
Thank God for whiskey. That’s all I have to say.
Love your soon to be incarcerated tumblrite,
Alan
xoxo
A dookie.
WHO THE FUCK SAID I LIVE LIKE A BUM?!1!
Ahem, sorry about that. What I meant to say is that I don’t live like a bum and your implication is rather offensive. Sure, I may not have a front door because, in a fit of rage, I took it off and threw it at a group of skateboarders. Yeah, I may have no clean dishes and eat with my hands. And yes, mice, squirrels, stray cats and neighbourhood dogs walk through my apartment at their pleasure to riffle through my garbage I haven’t thrown out in over 3 months but does that mean I’m a bum? Well, maybe, but I buy mouthwash still for God’s sake. Plus, I’m a Sciencetologist. Sciencetologists aren’t bums.
You sir/madam, are an idiot. Also, do you have any pornography or money you could send me?
Thanks!
“Alan, why aren’t any of the things you were supposed to do today done?” Susan asked.
“Well shortly after you went to work I had to poop and there’s no toilet paper left so I’ve just been sitting here waiting for you to get home.” I said.
“Jesus Christ, Alan. I’ve been at work for 10 damn hours. You’ve been sitting on the toilet for 10 hours?”
“Yeah, well, there’s no toilet paper so what else am I supposed to do?”
“You’re the most pathetic person I’ve ever met.”
“No I’m not.” I said as I wiped myself with my t-shirt.
The terrorists screamed into the phone, demanding more money. They waved their guns around and threatened to kill everyone on board if their demands weren’t met. Luckily I had just the guy sitting next to me.
“So?” I asked.
“So what?” He asked.
“NO TALKING!” One of the terrorists yelled.
“Well, don’t you have a fist under your beard you could punch them with or something? Can’t you kick them so hard in the testicles that their heads will explode?” I whispered after a brief silence.
“I’m just an actor, kid. None of those things are real. Now would you shut up? You’re going to get us both kil-“
The terrorists grabbed him and dragged him to the front of the plane. A gunshot was heard and blood sprayed all over the ceiling.
“Your beloved Chuck Norris actor is dead!” They yelled into the phone.
“That’s what you think.” I thought to myself, smiling.
Here in Canada we’re “celebrating” Labour Day. As I’ve said before, I absolutely hate Labour Day.
Labour Day is the celebration of worker’s rights which I think is just awful. So a company makes its employees work 18 hour days, 6 days a week. Big deal! In this economy they should be happy just having a job, even if it is working in an acid mine. Who cares if a company ignores all basic health and safety laws!? Not having the necessary equipment to make sure workers don’t get exposed to deadly amounts of radiation means the company saves money. When they company saves money they pass the savings on to you!*
Also, why did we get rid of child labour? The last time I checked children are assholes who are always saying things like, “I don’t want to clean up,” “I don’t want to do my homework,” and “I think I need my diaper changed!” If we gave these kids jobs in factories they’d learn to change their own diapers or make their own doctor appointments.
So yeah, have fun at your BBBQs today. Just know that this “holiday” is in celebration of screwing over the most important part of society. Corporations.
*And free radiation!
A twelve year old girl has a baby, should she keep it?
First we need to figure out where she found it. Perhaps it followed her home? Second, is she going to feed it? Play with it? Take it for walks? Refill its water dish?
After reading a lot of opinion pieces about the recent immigration law that passed in Arizona the general consensus seems to be that this is a bad law. People are pretty angry over it.
Not me! I’m happy about this new law. In fact, the day it passed, I started packing up my station wagon. That’s right! Look out, Arizona, this crazed maniac is going to be living in your stupid state and you won’t even know it. You know why you won’t even know? Because I’m white and I can live under the radar. I can even pretend to be racist if it helps me keep it on the down low.
“You know what I hate?” I’d say.
“What?” A local would ask.
“Those damned New Yorkers. With their taxis and big brick buildings… Fuck those guys!” I’d say back, all racisty.
The first thing I learned from Doctor Corpus is that a steady diet of pizza, MacDonalds and whiskey is extremely unhealthy. It’s a sobering experience to have a doctor lay out exactly how your decisions are negatively effecting your body. Some of the pictures of livers were enough to make me think about never drinking again.
The second thing I learned is that proper hygiene, regular exercise and a good attitude can go a long way in changing not only your over all health but also your relationship health and your mental health.
The third thing I learned is that doctors get really angry when you start trying to inject yourself with what ever needles you find in his medical bag. Maybe this was the first lesson I learned. I don’t really remember.
