August 2010
28 posts
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Tumblr, I got drunk and passed out. When I awoke I was in the middle of a Sci-Fi/Comic/Horror/Steampunk convention.
I’ll let you know how it all goes.
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On an open letter to Bill Murray
Hello Mr Murray,
How are you?
It’s been reported that you will be in Toronto for the Toronto International Film Festival. When I heard this news I nearly pooped my pants, literally. You see, you are my favourite actor. I have seen every movie you’ve been in countless times, including Garfield. Garfield. I watched 2 hours of The Limits of Control just for your part. Hell, I’d...
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I've combined my two favourite games, Monopoly and...
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Lesson learned the hard way #63
If you’re rinsing your mouth with mouthwash and have to go pee at the same time, don’t spit the mouthwash out while peeing. You will get it on your penis and it will burn. A lot.
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On Books!
Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming non-fiction book entitled, “Do cats like French Fries? And other questions asked by a full grown man.”
“I sat in my room eating a plate of French Fries I made in a drunken haze and wondered aloud if cats enjoyed eating French Fries. To test this question I attempted to force a French Fry into my sleeping cat’s mouth. After...
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guitarmanjb asked: In the kingdom of Canadia, where you live, I assume you use the metric system to measure distance. But what about height? Is that in feet or something weird and metric?
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On becoming a business owner
Hey all you losers! You know how you all told me I’d never go anywhere in life or make anything out of myself? Well fuck you because here’s a Craigslist ad that promises to make me a millionaire!
“this is what we do for you..youll have a flexible business opportunity that allows you to work as your schedule allows and make as much money as you like. you don’t need a background...
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On Cathy!
Guys! Did you hear that the Cathy comic is ending?
Now who’s going to tickle my inner lesbian funny-bone? :(
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On Tumblr!
I love that I can only see two pages of my dashboard.
Thanks Tumblr!
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On big parties!
My best friend the garbage man invited me to go to a super cool party. Everyone there was sniffing powdered sugar up their nose and giving themselves vaccines and smoking cigarettes that smelled like the art teacher’s back room.
I was hitting on a girl and told her that she was bacon. When she asked what I mean’t I said, “you’re bacon because you taste delicious.”...
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On weekend fun!
My best friend the garbage man told me about a chemical spill that happened in the next town over so I got a couple neighbourhood kids together to go see it. The quiet man with a moustache and cargo van offered to drive us all and even gave us free candy! We played in the spill for a while but Sarah and James started getting nosebleeds so now we’re going out for ice cream and then to watch...
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On neighbours!
I think my favourite part of living next to hip hoppers is that they play their homemade beats on loop for hours at a time and nope! I’m not trying to concentrate at all so go on, play that 30 second clip of bass for the next three hours.
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Kanye's Tweets as New Yorker cartoon captions →
unconventionalitismnessity:
kissdistinctlyamerican:
srsly:
This is my new favorite thing in the world.
This is wonderful.
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On taking the bus!
I really love sitting in front of pot-heads on the bus and listening to their conversations.
“Man, what if, like, we don’t even move?”
“Like, you mean if we just think we move but we don’t?”
“Yeah, what if space is just an ~illusion~.”
“Dude, this is fucking brilliant.”
What a philosophical breakthrough you stoners just had!...
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Anonymous asked: yo son whats phrenology
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On my resume!
My sponsor told me that I need to get a job and maybe I wouldn’t drink so much (news flash, idiot, I was fired from my last three jobs for being drunk). I’ve been applying but for some reason the only responses I get are cease and desist notices. My sponsor tells me I need to rework my resumes. I told him he needs to rework his face. BOOM!
Here’s a copy of my resume. Tell me...
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On big interviews!
I had an interview at a drug rehabilitation centre today and they asked, “if you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?”
I said, “a Maple Tree but instead of syrup I’d give out whiskey because that would be fucking awesome.”
They haven’t gotten back to me yet.
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On a weekend update
This weekend news update is available for the hearing impaired.
This just in (THIS JUST IN!)
Francisco Franco (FRANCISCO FRANCO!) is still dead (IS STILL DEAD!)
Goodnight, and have a pleasant tomorrow (GOODNIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROOOOW!)
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Anonymous asked: For what it's worth, I want to break into your house and throw you a party of appreciation.
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On survey questions
I recently received an anonymous message telling me that I shouldn’t post long surveys (which I actually only did once, I believe) because they’re tl;dr. They suggested that I answer them on a by question basis.
So every once in a while when I’ve run out of good ideas I’ll just post a survey question with my answer.
Here’s the first:
3) Abortion: for or against...
