It’s been reported that you will be in Toronto for the Toronto International Film Festival. When I heard this news I nearly pooped my pants, literally. You see, you are my favourite actor. I have seen every movie you’ve been in countless times, including Garfield. Garfield. I watched 2 hours of The Limits of Control just for your part. Hell, I’d watch a German scat pornography film if there was a scene where you just sort of walked past a window or something. Basically what I’m saying is that I think you’re great.
Now I know you’ll be staying in a fancy hotel and will probably be carted around to various clubs or press conferences but I want you to know that if you get bored of all of that you can come by my apartment and we can hang out for an afternoon (or evening or morning, completely up to you). I even have Scotch. Why you could even just come by, take the bottle of Scotch and then leave and I’ll be more than happy. You could throw a rock through my apartment window, give me the finger and then steal my cat and run away and I would be overjoyed.
So email me at email@example.com and I’ll give you directions. Do you have any snack preferences? Let me know.
Here’s an excerpt from my upcoming non-fiction book entitled, “Do cats like French Fries? And other questions asked by a full grown man.”
"I sat in my room eating a plate of French Fries I made in a drunken haze and wondered aloud if cats enjoyed eating French Fries. To test this question I attempted to force a French Fry into my sleeping cat’s mouth. After considerable effort I came to conclusion that cats did not enjoy French Fries. I also came to the realisation that I had never owned a cat, or posters of Justin Bieber and Miley Cyrus.
In the kingdom of Canadia, where you live, I assume you use the metric system to measure distance. But what about height? Is that in feet or something weird and metric?
In 2005 Canada banned all units of measurement when the Official Measurements Eradication Act passed in the same year. This was a result of gay marriage for reasons only known by the upper echelon of the Gay Community hierarchy.
Also, when ending a word “er” it’s always r before e. For example: Metres, centimetres, centre, etc.
Hey all you losers! You know how you all told me I’d never go anywhere in life or make anything out of myself? Well fuck you because here’s a Craigslist ad that promises to make me a millionaire!
"this is what we do for you..youll have a flexible business opportunity that allows you to work as your schedule allows and make as much money as you like. you don’t need a background in financial services – [Name Withheld] offers you a turnkey system to help you succeed!!1!
No inventory to maintain Unlimited territory — we never restrict your market1 Comprehensive training, marketing and operations support Start your business part-time1 No business experience or degre required Earn income while you learn You can OWN your [Name Withheld] business1 call to book an appointment”
This is a better opportunity than that time some guy sent a letter in the mail telling me that if I sent him 5 dollars a bunch of people would send me 5 dollars!
My best friend the garbage man invited me to go to a super cool party. Everyone there was sniffing powdered sugar up their nose and giving themselves vaccines and smoking cigarettes that smelled like the art teacher’s back room.
I was hitting on a girl and told her that she was bacon. When she asked what I mean’t I said, “you’re bacon because you taste delicious.” She left the party right after that, probably because she remembered that she left the oven on or she had laundry in the washer. I just laughed because laughing keeps me from crying and what kind of loser cries at a party?
The party came to an end when one of the people fell asleep after sniffing a bunch of powdered sugar and wouldn’t wake up. A couple guys wrapped her in a rug and put her in the trunk of their car, probably to keep her warm and take her home.
My best friend the garbage man told me about a chemical spill that happened in the next town over so I got a couple neighbourhood kids together to go see it. The quiet man with a moustache and cargo van offered to drive us all and even gave us free candy! We played in the spill for a while but Sarah and James started getting nosebleeds so now we’re going out for ice cream and then to watch movies in Lester’s basement (he’s the guy with the moustache).
I think my favourite part of living next to hip hoppers is that they play their homemade beats on loop for hours at a time and nope! I’m not trying to concentrate at all so go on, play that 30 second clip of bass for the next three hours.
I really love sitting in front of pot-heads on the bus and listening to their conversations.
"Man, what if, like, we don’t even move?”
"Like, you mean if we just think we move but we don’t?"
"Yeah, what if space is just an ~illusion~."
"Dude, this is fucking brilliant."
What a philosophical breakthrough you stoners just had! It’s not like those theories have already existed for over a thousand years. You guys better fucking call someone with that very original thought you just had!
Oh my goodness! Phrenology is the latest in psychology!
It has recently been discovered that there are 27 areas of the brain, each having a specific function. These are the 27 little areas: The instinct of reproduction, the love of one’s offspring, affection and friendship, the instinct of self-defense and courage; the tendency to get into fights, the carnivorous instinct; the tendency to murder, guile; acuteness; cleverness, the feeling of property; the instinct of stocking up on food; covetousness; the tendency to steal, pride; arrogance; haughtiness; love of authority; loftiness, vanity; ambition; love of glory, circumspection; forethought, the memory of things; the memory of facts; educability; perfectibility, the sense of places; of space proportions, of time, the memory of people; the sense of people, the memory of words, the sense of language; of speech, the sense of colours, the sense of sounds; the gift of music, the sense of connectedness between numbers, the sense of mechanics, of construction; the talent for architecture, comparative sagacity, the sense of metaphysics, the sense of satire; the sense of witticism, the poetical talent, kindness; benevolence; gentleness; compassion; sensitivity; moral sense, the faculty to imitate; the mimic, the organ of religion and the firmness of purpose; constancy; perseverance; obstinacy.
All your skull lumps and indents make up your personality!
Now let us say that you have an indent in your head over the region that controls your moral sense. Why that little indent might make you some sort of crazed, bloodthirsty, maniac. You get sent to the doctor and he just pops that little indent out and you’re as good as new!
My sponsor told me that I need to get a job and maybe I wouldn’t drink so much (news flash, idiot, I was fired from my last three jobs for being drunk). I’ve been applying but for some reason the only responses I get are cease and desist notices. My sponsor tells me I need to rework my resumes. I told him he needs to rework his face. BOOM!
Here’s a copy of my resume. Tell me what you think!
Alan Harris Alan Harris’ Funkadelic Disco Conspiracy Studios 1089 St. Clair West Toronto, Ontario M6E 1A8 firstname.lastname@example.org
Career Objective Rise up by any means necessary to be President of the company and have a cool office with a full bar behind my desk and a smoking hot secretary.
Skills and attributes I’m a stand up guy who has never been to prison and doesn’t have an alcohol problem or cocaine addiction. Also, I’m still allowed near schools, playgrounds and Chuckie Cheese!
Work Experience July 2008 - St. Matthew’s Catholic School Janitor
August 2008 - Turn the Page used bookstore Book seller (Contrary to popular belief, I did NOT set the store on fire. I was asleep at the register when the fire broke out because someone’s cigar fell into their glass of Scotch. Totally not my cigar or Scotch.)
September 2008 - October 2008 - Alan Harris’ Phrenology Clinic Phrenologist
From October 2008 until June 2009 I took a hiatus and devoted myself to my hobby of Whiskey connoisseur.
June 2009 - Self employed Public cartographer, later Lithographer (I would make maps/lithographs in public. My whore of an ex-wife Susan told me it wasn’t “profitable” and it was “stupid” and I “sucked at it anyways.” Fucking whore.)
July 2009 - July 2009 - Microsoft Headquarters Office guy (I was “let go” because Ashley thought I sexually harassed her and tried to run her down in the parking lot. All lies. ALL. LIES.)
September 2009 - December 2009 - New York Times Copy Editor
February 2010 - People Magazine Layout designer
Note to Employer: I don’t know what else to put so I’m just going to leave it at this. If you want to get a hold of me you’ll have to email because my phone’s been disconnected for some reason. Also, what’s your drug policy?
I don’t know why no one is hiring me. I’m a stand up guy!
For what it's worth, I want to break into your house and throw you a party of appreciation.
Haha! You don’t need to break in, silly; I don’t even own a front door! I ripped it off the hinges one night after a cocaine binge to prove to my neighbours that I’m a strong guy who isn’t to be screwed with!
I recently received an anonymous message telling me that I shouldn’t post long surveys (which I actually only did once, I believe) because they’re tl;dr. They suggested that I answer them on a by question basis.
So every once in a while when I’ve run out of good ideas I’ll just post a survey question with my answer.
Here’s the first:
3) Abortion: for or against it? Well sometimes you have to abort. Space Shuttle missions have to abort, spy missions have to abort, computer programmes have to abort and so forth.