A girlfriend, a job, whiskey, ham, anger management, a Volvo, a better apartment, someone to do the dishes that have been sitting for weeks and have become an animal sanctuary and mustard on rye bread.
I enjoy playing practical jokes on people, that’s why I usually take a poo on my neighbour’s porch. But there’s one joke that I really like and that’s this one:
In busy areas where people are waiting for something (i.e. a doctor’s office, an airport, a train station, ect.) walk up to a man/woman, lean over to them and say, “I know you killed your wife/husband” and then walk away.
Sure, you’ll probably never say this to any murderers but maybe, just maybe, one day you will say this to a murderer and they will forever wonder how you knew their terrible deed. Pro Tip: Mix it up by just telling the person you “know what they did” and to give you 100 dollars or you’ll tell their spouse. Be surprised by how many people cough up the money!
Another good one is putting plastic wrap over the toilet bowl so people have their own pee shoot up at them. But we’ll save this one for a rainy day.
My friend was giving me advice about comedy and said that I shouldn’t say anything controversial because people my misconstrue it.
So here are a bunch of racist joke I was going to post but now I can’t because I don’t want them misinterpreted.
Aren’t black people funny when they [CENSORED]
Editor’s note: The remaining text has been removed in consideration for those who read Alan’s blog and Alan himself who, through his own ignorance and stupidity, doesn’t understand that racist jokes aren’t funny.
I think my favourite story of the Bible is the one where Jesus tells us all to ignore the parts about loving each other and to fight and bicker with each other instead. “Ye and thou shalt ignore thy passage that commands love and equality and instead hate and oppress.” John 3:19
The one about him going apeshit in the Temple is pretty sweet too, though.
I bet if I were in charge of the museum of television* I would induct Coach and Night Court as two of the most ground breaking and culturally significant television shows in the history of television. I bet the museum would get a lot of visitors, too, because everyone else feels the same way I do.
I attended my first lecture at the Church of Sciencetology today! We learned all sorts of things, things that the teacher told us we weren’t allowed telling anyone, not even our friends or family. We also learned that the internets is an evil place where evil things like South Park quotations and “information” about cults are available for free. It’s a pretty good thing that the only websites I use are Tumblr, Google Image Search and smart science websites so I can read smart science articles to keep me smart, or else I’d probably have to give up the internets. If I had to give up the internets I don’t know where I’d look up pictures of naked girls for my best friend the garbage man. If he couldn’t look at those pictures how is he supposed to know where the vaggina is? I totally know where the vaggina is, though, so I don’t need to look at those pictures.
We also learned that for 5,000 dollars we could reach a higher state of knowing. Looks like you losers will be eating my dust when I know more about life and shit than you do!
After throwing up from the searing pain plunging the knife deep into my hand caused I smeared the blood that was pouring down my arm across my face. “I would die for you,” I whispered to my autographed picture of Bette Middler.
"Alan? Honey? I’m running out to the store, do you want me to pick anything up for you while I’m gone?" My mom yelled down into the dark basement.
I often spend countless hours laying on my porch, staring up into the heavens, wondering about life and how it began. Then I start wondering why my wife won’t unlock the door and let me inside the house. I usually remember when the police show up that I’m at the wrong house again.
The lonely old security guard finished the last of his cold pasta, wiped his grey moustache and rose from his old wooden chair. He’d been sitting in the same chair, in the same museum, for 50 years. He was a month away from retiring and he looked forward to it.
He finished his rounds, lowered himself back into his wooden chair and took a drink from his flask.
"I didn’t know cavemen had strollers," he thought to himself, "and those infant cries sure were realistic."
I often dream of the nations of the world coming together and disbanding their military and police forces because there’s no longer a need for either. Then, while everyone is enjoying world peace and harmony, a gang of misfits and I come together and loot expensive stores and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
English is the fucking language we speak here. You need to speak it to live here. I am no longer going to be patient with foreigners. I do not go to Russia, because I don’t speak Russian. I don’t want to disrespect the people who live there by wasting their fucking time with my broken Russian.
If you come to my country, and waste my time by not speaking English, expect bad shit to happen to you. Why? Because it’s extremely disrespectful.
Diversity makes America great. But you know what, I was born here and raised here. My great-grandfather received two Purple Hearts in World War II. My whole family has been here since the 1600s. We paid the taxes that built the roads, schools, and everything else here. I am a MOTHERFUCKING AMERICAN.
The least you can do as an immigrant is respect MY fucking country,and know the language we speak here. If you’re coming here to exploit MY tax dollars, and take the jobs of Americans who were born here, you need to respect MY fucking country.
From now on, the gloves are off. I’m just gonna beat the unholy fuck out of everyone here that can’t communicate with me in English. If you want to disrespect me, my family, and everyone who came before me to build this country - I’m gonna disrespect you. Physically. And I’m a big motherfucker that carries brass knuckles - twenty four motherfucking hours a day, seven says a motherfucking week.
Before today, I really didn’t care one way or another about immigration reform. Now I do care. I want to make it REALLY fucking hard for people to come to America. Let’s build more fences. Let’s send all the non-English speakers home. I don’t care what fucking race, creed or religion you are.
I know most foreigners have a lot to say about how shitty America is - well, now I’ve got a lot to say about how shitty foreigners are.
Yeah! I agree!
Here in Canada we speak English, Motherfucker! And French too! Yeah! Oh and Cree too. Oh and Algonquin. Yeah! Fuck!
I was born here! So you better listen to me! And my great-grandparents were born in Ireland and Germany so you better listen to them too! German! Speak that too, asshole! My family’s money paid for health-care and the war effort fuck face! So you should learn to speak English… and French or Cree or German! We were here first (after the First Nations) so if you’re coming to this country you better fucking be English. Or French like I said. When my Gaelic and German speaking grandparents came to this country and didn’t speak a lick of Cree or French or Inuktitut they were angry all the time because they couldn’t understand a thing the First Nations, French or English people were trying to say, probably. And like them I can’t understand a thing you weirdos are trying to say!
I AM A MOTHERFUCKING CANADIAN (WITH IRISH AND GERMAN ANCESTRY! AND ALSO FIRST NATIONS ANCESTRY!)
I carry around… oh and Ojibway. If you don’t speak that than turn your goofy boat around and go back home to where they speak… weird. And I’m an average built motherfucker all hopped up on maple syrup and I carry… actually I don’t have weapons because this is Canada but my ID says I’m a Canadian and that means I speak ENGLISH… and some French… and German. I’m sick of all these weird languages I don’t understand and I don’t have the time to care! So listen up, asshole fuck faces, you better learn English… or French or any of the other languages I mentioned because I’m ANGRY (and scared of immigrants)!
"Alright Alan, you’ve made it to the fast money round. You have 20 seconds to answer five questions; time starts counting down after I read the first question. If you can’t think of an answer you can pass and we’ll come back to the question. Ready?" Not Richard Dawson said.
"Ready, not Richard Dawson" I replied.
"Okay, here we go… Name something you take to the playground."
"Name a beverage you’d be relieved to have after running a marathon."
"What profession would a baseball player be good at?"
"Playing the flute!"
"Besides Christmas, what’s a holiday the family comes together for a big dinner?"
"Name something a teacher does first thing in the morning."
Somehow I didn’t get any points for fast money (even though I had kickass answers) and now my family won’t talk to me. Talk about a “Family Feud!” Get it?!