meters-per-year-deactivated2010 asked: what is on the sandwich of your dreams?
On my favourite prank
I enjoy playing practical jokes on people, that’s why I usually take a poo on my neighbour’s porch. But there’s one joke that I really like and that’s this one: In busy areas where people are waiting for something (i.e. a doctor’s office, an airport, a train station, ect.) walk up to a man/woman, lean over to them and say, “I know you killed your...
On comedic advice
My friend was giving me advice about comedy and said that I shouldn’t say anything controversial because people my misconstrue it. So here are a bunch of racist joke I was going to post but now I can’t because I don’t want them misinterpreted. Aren’t black people funny when they [CENSORED] Editor’s note: The remaining text has been removed in consideration for...
On Bible stories
I think my favourite story of the Bible is the one where Jesus tells us all to ignore the parts about loving each other and to fight and bicker with each other instead. “Ye and thou shalt ignore thy passage that commands love and equality and instead hate and oppress.” John 3:19 The one about him going apeshit in the Temple is pretty sweet too, though.
It was Earth all along.
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On good advice
I used to believe in things and then things got worse so I stopped believing in things and started drinking instead. Now I drink a lot. I suggest everyone else do this too because, hey, nothing gets better and we all die. Enjoy your weekend! Love, Alan
I bet if I were in charge of the museum of television* I would induct Coach and Night Court as two of the most ground breaking and culturally significant television shows in the history of television. I bet the museum would get a lot of visitors, too, because everyone else feels the same way I do. Don’t start, Roger Ebert. No one asked you. *Does this exist?
meters-per-year-deactivated2010 asked: my hobbies include and are limited to eating and snacking. what food should i try?
On attending church!
I attended my first lecture at the Church of Sciencetology today! We learned all sorts of things, things that the teacher told us we weren’t allowed telling anyone, not even our friends or family. We also learned that the internets is an evil place where evil things like South Park quotations and “information” about cults are available for free. It’s a pretty good thing that the only websites I...
On forbidden love
After throwing up from the searing pain plunging the knife deep into my hand caused I smeared the blood that was pouring down my arm across my face. “I would die for you,” I whispered to my autographed picture of Bette Middler. “Alan? Honey? I’m running out to the store, do you want me to pick anything up for you while I’m gone?” My mom yelled down into the...
On mysteries of the universe
I often spend countless hours laying on my porch, staring up into the heavens, wondering about life and how it began. Then I start wondering why my wife won’t unlock the door and let me inside the house. I usually remember when the police show up that I’m at the wrong house again.
On exciting true stories!
The lonely old security guard finished the last of his cold pasta, wiped his grey moustache and rose from his old wooden chair. He’d been sitting in the same chair, in the same museum, for 50 years. He was a month away from retiring and he looked forward to it. He finished his rounds, lowered himself back into his wooden chair and took a drink from his flask. “I didn’t know...
On dreams I have for humanity
I often dream of the nations of the world coming together and disbanding their military and police forces because there’s no longer a need for either. Then, while everyone is enjoying world peace and harmony, a gang of misfits and I come together and loot expensive stores and there’s nothing anyone can do about it.
English motherfucker, do you speak it?!
sendmelies: californiacornbread: English is the fucking language we speak here. You need to speak it to live here. I am no longer going to be patient with foreigners. I do not go to Russia, because I don’t speak Russian. I don’t want to disrespect the people who live there by wasting their fucking time with my broken Russian. If you come to my country, and waste my time by not speaking...
Lesson learned the hard way #32
When you’re taking a girl out to a movie on your first date make sure you don’t accidentally take her to see the porn parody of the movie you actually meant to take her to.
On a good tip
Here’s a good tip if your coffee isn’t powerful enough for you: Why not replace the sugar with cocaine? Don’t ask me why but it works.
On game shows
“Alright Alan, you’ve made it to the fast money round. You have 20 seconds to answer five questions; time starts counting down after I read the first question. If you can’t think of an answer you can pass and we’ll come back to the question. Ready?” Not Richard Dawson said. “Ready, not Richard Dawson” I replied. “Okay, here we go… Name...