April 2010
36 posts
On reviews!
Reviews are in for my new fragrance line, “ünd geruch!”
“The smells of urine, dust, stale alcohol and body odour mix to offer a startlingly accurate portrayal of what you would find in a subway station. Why anyone would purchase Subway Platform is completely beyond me.”
- Esquire
“Dank Basement #4 served as a chilling reminder of my childhood living with my...
On my new religion
My first session at the Church of Sciencetology was today! It was great! They locked me in a steam room that smelled like screams and lemons for six hours to sweat out all the whiskey, cocaine and anger. Apparently I was a pretty misguided person! I don’t feel any different, just dehydrated and weak. The people in the scientist robes say that this is just because the evil theatres inside of...
Just a break
This is just a break from my usual nonsense to talk about something I am very interested in.
Today at 3 pm the Speaker of the House, Peter Milliken, will deliver a ruling. This ruling will settle whether or not the Prime Minister must disclose censored documents regarding the Afghan detainee scandal (whether or not our Government knew that prisoners we were handing over to the Americans...
On going to the museum!
I think my favourite painting in the art museum would have to be the one they hung above the sink in the mens washroom on the second floor. I don’t know who the artist is but the painting looks more like a photograph because it’s so realistic. Maybe it is a photograph. Or maybe it’s a new type of art called the paintigraph. The paintigraph is of this sad looking man with crazy...
On history
So the Library of Congress will be storing all public tweets for the rest of time. It’s good to know that such gems of mine like:
”@carlosmencia I’ll be sure to catch that. Wait, sorry, I thought I was tweeting the Bubonic Plague. I won’t be watching your movie.
@carlosmencia Bleeding from every pore in my body and literally puking my guts out will be more entertaining...
1 tag
Lesson learned the hard way #89
If you yell “you’re lucky we have the death penalty or else I’d murder you!” the police will arrest you.
On exciting job interviews!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” The jerk in the tie asked.
“Well, probably in the same spot I’m in now.” I replied. “Don’t say stalking people, don’t say stalking people, don’t say stalking people.” I thought to myself.
“Uhm… you’re thinking out loud.” The tie said.
“You have a talking tie.”...
1 tag
On new religions
As my follower count continues to rise and my arrogance at an all time high I have decided that it’s best to start a cult.
As the leader of your cult I demand that everyone continue on with whatever beliefs they had before. I also demand that you send me money… and candy.
NO WAIT! Whiskey, too.
Or, you know, just recommend me in the directory (link’s on my page).
On making friends!
“Hey, yo, buddy, if we gave you money would you be able to buy us some beer? “The hip looking kid said to me on my way into the Liquor Store.
“Are you kids having a party?” I asked.
“Yeah man, and we need some beer. Could you help us out?”
“Anything for a friend!” I screamed.
“Hey everyone, uhm, this is Alan. He sort of followed us home...
On odd celebrations
I just saw a whole bunch of hippies downtown; they’re all really happy and singing songs. It’s weird that they’re celebrating Hitler’s birthday but I guess Bob Dylan was right, the times are changing.
On science!
I guess my first mistake was trusting a child to hold a beaker of hydrochloric acid. Had I known children were stupid I would have had him hold something less dangerous like the gun I was holding.
Looking back I guess the whole ordeal was a bad idea. When I went into the lab all I wanted to do was tell the scientist that I had figured out perpetual motion. I didn’t plan on a class trip...
Anonymous asked: Mutton chops look just as stupid on you as they do everyone else. JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW
On good adivce
Here’s a good tip: If you wake up because those fucking birds won’t shut their stupid mouths at 5 am and you can’t get back to sleep because you’re concentrating on how much you hate birds why not drink some vodka and down half a bottle of sleeping pills? My guess is that you’re not going to wake up for a while!
On Tumblr Meetups
I can’t wait to attend the Tumblr Meetup tomorrow night! It’s going to be great!
I’m going to wear a snappy blazer so people know I’m a snappy dresser. The blazer will also say, “I might look spiffy and serious but I’m drunk as shit and here to have a good time, mother fucker!”
I’ll be so classy and I’ll also have a date with me who is...
On a police story
“You let him get away again, didn’t you?” I asked.
“Sorry Commissioner, he seems to just disappear when he’s done eating all the yellow dots.” The sergeant replied.
“And the new squad of SWAT ghosts?”
“He ate them too.”
I poured myself another drink and looked out over the city from my office window.
“I will get you, Pacman,...
On new jobs!
“Welcome to Morgan Stanley, Alan! We’re all looking forward to you working for us.” The executive said.
“Thank you, sir, I’m glad to be working for you.” I said.
“By the way, I noticed in the interview that you have ‘ICP’ tattooed on your fingers. Now we don’t discriminate against the tattooed but we’re curious as to what it...
Anonymous asked: You live in a socialist country -Canada- and your facebook page says that you are a socialist. However, you also claim on your blog to have broken laws and been arrested. How can someone that supports socialism and lives in a socialist country willfully break the law? Your country only asks that you obey the law in return for all the things they provide (by other peoples tax dollars) and you...
Attention all Toronto area Tumblrers!
There’s a Tumblr meetup on Friday. I don’t know who’s hosting it but I just RSVP…ed. If you want to meet a bunch of Torontonians who Tumble and get hammered on whiskey with me than I suggest you go too.
RSVP here: http://www.tumblr.com/meetups
On religious views
Because I’ve been having such a hard time with my Catholic Church I decided to find a religion that wouldn’t try and make me feel responsible for the “terrible” things I do. I also really like science because science tries to explain all the things we don’t know yet, like how aeroplanes fly or why God would let me run around without pants on.
Luckily for me...
On something for TheFrogMan
This is only a test. Please do not panic. If this were a real emergency this broadcast would be followed by a short low pitch tone followed by a long high pitch tone.
On April Fools
It’s really hard to think of a good April Fools prank when you’re staying in a Monastery but I think I pulled it off by taking a poo in a monk’s cot and then telling him it was probably a dragon that pooed in his cot. I think he believed me, too, because he started screaming and swearing.
On going to a Monastery
You would think that going to a Monastery for a week would be fun and exciting, filled with pornography and cookies, but in reality it’s just a bunch of people wearing robes who pray all day.
Also, they’re really strict there. Apparently they take the vow of silence pretty seriously and get mad when someone thinks it’s a fun game to try and make them talk. It was pretty fun to...
