March 2010
35 posts
1 tag
On things that are fun, scary
I’m Canadian so I don’t really know what March Madness is but that didn’t stop me from handing over 100 grand to my bookie.
In completely unrelated news, does anyone out there have 100 grand they could lend me?
1 tag
On an open letter to Father McGrath and the...
Hey guys.
How are you?
The events that transpired during the Easter Play put on by the children of the church was completely uncalled for. But in my defence the Bible says that Jesus uses real wine. Not grape juice. So excuse me for going for authenticity and giving the children wine to drink. You have to admit, though, it was pretty funny seeing all the drunk children trying to reenact the Last...
1 tag
On a guest post by Jesus Christ of Nazareth # 4
Hey guys!
We’re a little more than halfway through Lent and I noticed a lot of you partaking, which is nice. I see a great deal of you all gave up things like coffee and chocolate and some of you have come very close to giving into temptation.
While I really appreciate you guys giving up your “morning cup o’ Joe” I don’t quite think you guys really get the whole...
On an open letter to the people of Tumblr
Hey guys.
How are you?
I’m going away for Easter. Call it “staying in a Monastery,” call it “spending some time in the slammer due to a breach of probation,” or call it “seriously, spending some time in the slammer due to a breach of probation.” Whatever you call it, I’m going to be gone for a little while.
I’ve queued up some posts, about...
life was so much simpler when all i had to worry...
youroldarchenemycatwoman:
now it’s all medical science and rah rah rah
I usually don’t reblog other people’s jokes and such but this really made me laugh.
On a religious question
The Bible says, “do to others what you would have them do to you.” But what if you’re a masochist?
“A squared plus B squared equals get the fuck out of my apartment, bitch.”
– Pythagoras to a one night stand
youroldarchenemycatwoman asked: hey remember the time you came to Toronto for a visit and spent all your time peering in though a strangers window? you were on a roof...
remember that?
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
also Alan wears amazing black and white oxfords.
remember that?
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
also Alan wears amazing black and white oxfords.
On new followers
I seem to be getting a lot of new followers lately so I just want to take this time and address them directly.
Do you guys have, like, 10,000 dollars I could borrow? There’s this guy that I sort of owe money to and if I don’t pay him back by the end of the month serious things are going to happen to my genitals.
Also, a little tip, never bet on the horse with 500:1 odds.
On ethnic holidays
I just awoke from my St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. I’m Irish so I’ve been blind drunk for about a week.
Father McGrath told me that I need help but I think he’s just jealous that I’m unemployed and able to go on week long whiskey benders while he has to wake up at 5:45 am to clean up vomit in his cathedral because I somehow got inside the church during my drunken...
On making mistakes
“This is a hold up! Nobody try to be a hero!” I screamed.
“Sir, this is a garden centre.” The cashier said.
I quickly looked around and realised that I wasn’t holding up the First National Bank but the Sunshine Flower and Garden Centre. Embarrassed, and with tears welling up in my eyes, I attempted to continue with the robbery.
“I know that!” I yelled,...
On dinner guests
“What’s for dinner tonight?” He asked.
“Well, I’m making prime rib-“
“WOOOO!” He screamed.
“… and, uhm, steamed vegetables-“
“WOOOO!” He screamed again.
Our dog barked.
“… can you stop doing that, please?” Susan asked.
“Sorry, I just get so excited!” He answered.
“Honey? Do we...
Alan's super awesome advice column! →
Hey everyone!
You know what I was thinking today? “Hey, I have all this free time because I’m unemployed and my stupid ex-wife Susan left me on Christmas because she’s a total bitch. Why don’t I give advice to losers people and help them out?!”
So I went and created a super awesome advice column page!
You should follow it and ask questions and such. Or...
Samsung has just unveiled their 3-D Television...
On big mistakes!
I looked down and moved my hand away from my chest. My hand and shirt were soaked in blood, I had just been shot. Awaiting the paramedics, I reflected on the events that had transpired that night.
I guess it was a bad idea to give a monkey a gun in the first place. You can’t really blame me, though, because I haven’t read anything about monkeys in my entire life. I just thought they...
Anonymous asked: hard shell taco or soft shelled?
On charity
There’s nothing worse than being mobbed by those hippies with clipboards when trying to get to a court appearance on time.
World Vision? World Wildlife Fund? World Food Programme?
Please. What about my issues? Yes, people in Africa are starving but what about the fact that we don’t sell Trix or Fruity Pebbles here in Canada? Isn’t that the real tragedy here?
Hello?
Is anyone...
On getting old
We all have “that” moment when we finally realise that we are truly old.
Mine came when I was trying to explain Fraggle Rock to a child and was arrested because parents complained that a “creep” was hanging out in the playground with their kids.
Anonymous asked: Who are your favourite blogs, and why?
On a serious plea
I want everyone to leave that Justin Bieber alone! That little girl has worked her ass off to be where she is today and deserves credit for that. I find it disgusting that the internet would gang up and make fun of a poor, helpless, little girl.
Shame on you. Shame on you all!
On something terrible
I think the worst part about the apocalypse would be if you made an appointment to get this really awesome tattoo on your chest of you brandishing a sword while riding a unicorn that’s jumping through flames and skulls because people always made fun of you for being a “square” or a “loser.” Then, just as the tattoo guy is finishing up, the sun explodes and everything...
On being young, hip and up-to-date!
You’re walking the streets at 5 in the morning, who are you with? My drunken thoughts, the police. You’ve locked yourself outside and no-one will be home for a few hours, you? Drink the emergency Jack Daniels hidden in the shed and scream obscenities at the neighbours. Have you ever injured someone? Yes. Physically and “emotionally.” Last thing you drank? Jack Daniels Do...
On a bad idea
“And what’s that?” He asked.
“A DVD player…” I sighed.
“And what does that do?”
“It plays DVDs.”
“And those are…?”
I started thinking that bringing Einstein into the future was a bad idea. He was less interested in learning how far physics had advanced and more interested in new technologies…and hookers, he...
On family matters
My uncle Craig was never one to really smile or laugh, especially on the holidays. “Old Mean Craig,” my brother and I used to rhyme. But one Christmas, when I was a kid, I remember dad asking him where my aunt Sherille was and uncle Craig just started laughing…laughing and laughing.
It turns out he killed her and then went crazy. He still remembered to bring cookies to dinner,...
On the telephone
“Hi there! How much do you charge?” I asked.
“Well, shug, it’s 250 an hour but you’re cute so I’ll make you a deal; 200 an hour.” She answered.
“Well gee, thanks, but I’ll only need you for about 15 or 20 minutes.”
“Well it’ll be 200 dollars.”
“Okay. I need to order a pizza, do a phone interview and call to...
