On an open letter to Father McGrath and the parishioners of the Holy Trinity Catholic Church
How are you?
The events that transpired during the Easter Play put on by the children of the church was completely uncalled for. But in my defence the Bible says that Jesus uses real wine. Not grape juice. So excuse me for going for authenticity and giving the children wine to drink. You have to admit, though, it was pretty funny seeing all the drunk children trying to reenact the Last Supper. I thought it was particularly funny when Judas threw up on Thomas. I don’t really know if this was actually funny as I was pretty hammered on wine myself.
Also, how was I to know that only children were supposed to play the parts? Yes, I was the director but nowhere in the description of “The Holy Trinity Church Children’s League presents: The Last Supper and the Crucifixion of Jesus” does it say that only children are supposed to be involved. Had I known that I wouldn’t have asked Crazy Pete to play Jesus. Although, you have to admit, he bares a striking resemblance to Jesus and, on more than one occasion, he’s told me that he actually is Jesus.
So this is my court ordered apology letter. I really don’t think it was quite fashionable for Father McGrath to scream at me like that in front of the congregation, especially the children. Does that man ever think of the children? Probably not.
We’re a little more than halfway through Lent and I noticed a lot of you partaking, which is nice. I see a great deal of you all gave up things like coffee and chocolate and some of you have come very close to giving into temptation.
While I really appreciate you guys giving up your “morning cup o’ Joe” I don’t quite think you guys really get the whole point behind Lent. Not only are you supposed to give up something you enjoy but you’re also supposed to pray a lot more and give money to charity. And I don’t mean pray for things like winning the lottery, either, I already get enough of those. It would be nice to hear a prayer or two, you know, thanking me for, you know, dying and all.
Now, it’s not too late for you to redeem yourselves. I suggest you just send me your money and I’ll donate it to a cause I feel is the most worthwhile. Okay? Come on, you can trust me! I’m your old pal Jesus! What? No! Of course this doesn’t have anything to do with the gambling debt I have! Jeez, do you really think that I, Jesus Christ, would gamble on a horse with 500:1 odds on the advice of Alan Harris? Because I totally wouldn’t.
Just send me the money or I’ll tell my Dad not to forgive you guys for you-know-what.
That’s right, Jesus plays hardball.
I gotta go, a statue of me in Argentina needs to start bleeding. Put the money in a brown paper bag and leave it behind my rose bush garden.
I’m going away for Easter. Call it “staying in a Monastery,” call it “spending some time in the slammer due to a breach of probation,” or call it “seriously, spending some time in the slammer due to a breach of probation.” Whatever you call it, I’m going to be gone for a little while.
I’ve queued up some posts, about one a day for a few days, and I promise to catch up on all your posts when I get back.
I love you all…except TheFrogman, he knows why (he won’t touch my ass).
hey remember the time you came to Toronto for a visit and spent all your time peering in though a strangers window? you were on a roof...
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
also Alan wears amazing black and white oxfords.
I seem to be getting a lot of new followers lately so I just want to take this time and address them directly.
Do you guys have, like, 10,000 dollars I could borrow? There’s this guy that I sort of owe money to and if I don’t pay him back by the end of the month serious things are going to happen to my genitals.
Also, a little tip, never bet on the horse with 500:1 odds.
I just awoke from my St. Patrick’s Day celebrations. I’m Irish so I’ve been blind drunk for about a week.
Father McGrath told me that I need help but I think he’s just jealous that I’m unemployed and able to go on week long whiskey benders while he has to wake up at 5:45 am to clean up vomit in his cathedral because I somehow got inside the church during my drunken haze.
"This is a hold up! Nobody try to be a hero!" I screamed.
"Sir, this is a garden centre." The cashier said.
I quickly looked around and realised that I wasn’t holding up the First National Bank but the Sunshine Flower and Garden Centre. Embarrassed, and with tears welling up in my eyes, I attempted to continue with the robbery.
"I know that!" I yelled, voice cracking. "Just give me all of your fucking money or I’ll shoot you in the head!"
"I wouldn’t worry about it, lady, that moron is holding a water gun. He didn’t even bother to paint over the fluorescent colours." An elderly man said from behind me.
Everyone in the store burst into wild laughter, I ran out of the store trying to hide the fact that I was crying.
The police decided not to arrest me and the store isn’t pressing charges. They say it’s the funniest thing to happen in town since a horse got stuck in a tree back in the 50’s.
"Honey? Do we have any whiskey left?" I yelled from the living room.
"WOOOO!" He screamed again.
I finished off a bottle of Advil to kill the headache the constant yelling had induced and walked into the bedroom where Susan was already in bed.
"Why they HELL would you think it was a good idea to invite Rick Flair over for dinner?!” She asked. “Do you ever think? Because it doesn’t seem like you do! I had a hard time explaining to the police that there wasn’t a domestic dispute here, that it was only a rowdy dinner guest!”
"Yes, Susan, I never think. Maybe if our relationship wasn’t so cold I wouldn’t have to invite people I don’t know over for dinner just so I can have a decent conversation!"
It’s like Susan never even cares about my friends.
You know what I was thinking today? “Hey, I have all this free time because I’m unemployed and my stupid ex-wife Susan left me on Christmas because she’s a total bitch. Why don’t I give advice to losers people and help them out?!”
So I went and created a super awesome advice column page!
You should follow it and ask questions and such. Or don’t, I’m not the question police.
You should reblog this, too, so other losers can follow and ask questions!
Oops! Did I forget to cross out that last “losers”? Guess that’s internet 2.0 for you!
I looked down and moved my hand away from my chest. My hand and shirt were soaked in blood, I had just been shot. Awaiting the paramedics, I reflected on the events that had transpired that night.
I guess it was a bad idea to give a monkey a gun in the first place. You can’t really blame me, though, because I haven’t read anything about monkeys in my entire life. I just thought they were like little hairy midgets. And I guess in some respects they are.
It was probably a bad idea for me to be high on acid, too. I guess the monkey shouldn’t have been high on acid either. Did I know that I would believe I was invincible? Was the acid just a way to boost my confidence so I could go through with the experiment? Yes, but in my defence the monkey made a very convincing argument. Plus, when a monkey high on acid is aiming a gun at you, you tend to do what he says.
Lastly, I guess I shouldn’t have made all those racist jokes to the monkey. Monkeys are apparently very sensitive and some of my jokes about poo flinging did go a little far…
But I guess it’s human to make mistakes. The best thing I can do now is learn from them. And boy, do I ever have a lot to learn after tonight.
Hard shell because soft shell tacos make me think of penises and I don’t want to think of penises because I’m totally not gay. It was ONE time, okay? Once. For fuck’s sake, Susan, why do you always have to bring this up during an argument?! I WAS DRUNK, OKAY?!
I want everyone to leave that Justin Bieber alone! That little girl has worked her ass off to be where she is today and deserves credit for that. I find it disgusting that the internet would gang up and make fun of a poor, helpless, little girl.
I think the worst part about the apocalypse would be if you made an appointment to get this really awesome tattoo on your chest of you brandishing a sword while riding a unicorn that’s jumping through flames and skulls because people always made fun of you for being a “square” or a “loser.” Then, just as the tattoo guy is finishing up, the sun explodes and everything is consumed by fire.
"I wish I didn’t spend the last 6 hours of my life getting needles in my chest." You’d think while walking towards the light.
You’re walking the streets at 5 in the morning, who are you with? My drunken thoughts, the police.
You’ve locked yourself outside and no-one will be home for a few hours, you? Drink the emergency Jack Daniels hidden in the shed and scream obscenities at the neighbours.
Have you ever injured someone? Yes. Physically and “emotionally.”
Last thing you drank? Jack Daniels
Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Maybe if Susan stopped being such a bitch and encouraged my artistic expressions.
If you looked through your phone right now, who are most of your texts from? Texts?
What would you say if someone told you they were in love with your brother? I’d laugh, a lot.
Two days from now this time, where will you be? Probably staring at the wall or crying. Could be in the drunk tank, we’ll see how things go.
Who is the last person you took a bus with? Jesus.
If you had to choose someone to sleep next to every night, and wake up to who would it be? Not Susan.
Do you hate being alone? I hate when people won’t leave me alone and then when I snap they sigh and complain about my “anger problems.” Guess what, Susan? I wouldn’t have anger issues if you just left me alone when I’m trying to paint.
Do you sleep with your door open or closed? If I could afford a door right now I would close it so the neighbours can’t hear my weeping.
Is this the best year of your life? No.
What is something that is coming up in life that you don’t want to happen? Court date.
This time last year, can you remember who you liked? I certainly didn’t like Ashley. It wasn’t sexual harassment, you arrogant bitch!
Do you get mad easily? No!
Last time you did something fun that nobody knows about? Haha, last night I peed on my neighbours door handles and then took a poop on their porch. They have a small child and he picked it up with his bare hands! Can you believe that?! I nearly threw up Fruit Loops all over the window because I was laughing so hard!
Who do you laugh with the most? Myself.
If you had $100 would you spend or save it? 100 would buy a lot of Jack or a lot of coke so, spend.
What colour shirt are you wearing? I’m not even wearing pants!
Do you wear high heels? That was once and it was purely a comfort thing.
I started thinking that bringing Einstein into the future was a bad idea. He was less interested in learning how far physics had advanced and more interested in new technologies…and hookers, he had a lust for hookers. The stress of watching over a man-child, trying to find a job, attempting to patch up my failing marriage and answering hundreds of questions a day had driven me to alcoholism. Perhaps time-travel is an evil thing, perhaps people should be left in their time and events left unalte-
My uncle Craig was never one to really smile or laugh, especially on the holidays. “Old Mean Craig,” my brother and I used to rhyme. But one Christmas, when I was a kid, I remember dad asking him where my aunt Sherille was and uncle Craig just started laughing…laughing and laughing.
It turns out he killed her and then went crazy. He still remembered to bring cookies to dinner, though.
"Well, shug, it’s 250 an hour but you’re cute so I’ll make you a deal; 200 an hour." She answered.
"Well gee, thanks, but I’ll only need you for about 15 or 20 minutes."
"Well it’ll be 200 dollars."
"Okay. I need to order a pizza, do a phone interview and call to change my address with Employment Services."
"Uhm… okay, I don’t see how that involves me, hun."
"Aren’t you a call girl?"
"Dear, do you even know what a call girl is?" She asked.
"Obviously!" I yelled, trying to hide my embarrassment.
After she left I phoned my dad and asked what a call girl is and he told me to go to his office at lunchtime and I’d find out. He didn’t explain what a call girl is but I did see him having sex with someone that isn’t my mom.