Exec #1: “Sales completely drop off after Christmas. What do we do?!”
Exec #2: “Hey, you know that Commonwealth holiday where families go out and volunteer together to help the less fortunate? And they give away clothing and money and all that? Boxing Day, I think it’s called?”
Exec #1: “Yeah, the boys and I are going down to the homeless shelter for that.”
Exec #2: “Well why don’t we just have our businesses cut their prices in half on that day so, instead of going out and helping the less fortunate, people will come to our stores and buy shit?”
Exec #1: “Do you really think people are going to completely change the meaning of the holiday from helping the less fortunate to a day of buying cheap consumer goods?”
Exec #2: “I have a feeling, yes.”
And so Boxing Day, as we now know it, was born.
If there’s one thing about Christmas I look forward to every year it’s going down to the soup kitchen and spending it with the less fortunate. Although the free soup and clothing is a pretty sweet bonus.
So a lot of people are complaining about this Net Neutrality business. It has gotten so big that Al Franken’s reoccurring SNL character Senator Al Franken is getting in on the matter.
I am personally against Net Neutrality. I envision a perfect Disney world in five Fords time where a Toshiba Internet that is heavily regulated by the United States of Google cracks down on illegal file downloading and uploading, erases pornography and promotes wholesome News Corp. values. A Toshiba Internet where users pay small fees to access information*, use Coca-Cola social media and watch the latest NBC television shows. Haha, Conan who?!
It’s not like major corporations are just going to buy up the entire Internet. No, there will be room for smaller corporations too. Plus, we buy products from major corporations everyday without worry or complaint. What’s it going to matter if we give them a little more for a little less?
*Information is subject to review by AT&T, Facebook and Manulife.
Did you guys know that I also run an advice column? It’s true!
If you don’t want to be a loser why don’t you head over to Alan’s Super Awesome Advice Column and give it a follow (maybe even ask a question or two)!
Some people were hoping the Lunar Eclipse coinciding with the Winter Solstice would cause a change in consciousness. Today I farted on an elderly man so it looks like everything is the same.
I walked back into the office and could hear them laughing. I didn’t think they knew it was me, but I decided the responsibility was mine to set the record straight.
“There are literally hundreds of reasons someone might not wash their hands after going to the washroom.” I said from directly behind them before they even knew I was there. “Like, maybe their finger didn’t go through the paper and into their bum. They wouldn’t need to wash if that didn’t happen.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Alan?” The blonde jerk asked.
“Or maybe they didn’t drop their sandwich they were eating in the toilet and have to fish it out because they were really hungry and didn’t want to buy another sandwich from the cafeteria because he said something really embarrassing about his genitals to the girl at the sandwich cart. Maybe they weren’t in there eating their sandwich while pooping because they don’t want people to see how disgusting they look while they eat. They wouldn’t have to wash their hands, you know. It’s actually bad to wash your hands too often beca-“
I snapped out of my trance and noticed the two guys were across the office with a security guard and were pointing in my direction.
“Well that pretty much wraps up my story. I guess I should be getting back to the grind!” I said to no one in particular as I briskly walked to the elevator bay.
So you’ve laid down some lyrics about how the police suck, how it’s hard to be black/white/British, and how much you love cruising in your car. You like these lyrics but think there’s something missing. There is, and you’ve come to the right place for guidance.
What you’re lacking is sound effects. Now, contrary to popular belief there is no such thing as too many sound effects in a rap music song, nor do the sounds have to be relevant to what you’re singing about.
Consider these various sounds when polishing your rap music song:
- Police sirens
- Gun shots
- Sound of a cash register opening
- Air raid sirens
- Glass breaking
- Baby crying
- Car horn
Remember, no rap music song can convey meaning if it doesn’t have enough sound effects.
So a few days ago or yesterday or last week or whatever I posted about how my sister’s husband Greg was having a cocktail party and told me to stay in the basement. Well, I did for a little while but when Hot School Nurses 4 ended I didn’t really know what else to do so I stumbled upstairs, pants-less, to see if I could ruin Greg’s stupid party.
It turns out no one showed up to Greg’s party. After laughing hysterically for several minutes I decided to take him to my favourite bar to cheer him up. Long story short, I blacked out, woke up on my sister’s lawn and Greg was, and still is, no where to be found.
So if you see a tallish nerd who wears pastel coloured sweaters tied around his neck like Niels from Fraiser could you let me know? Thanks!
Also, please don’t tell my sister this is my fault. I told her Greg was asking about drugs or something and then went out and hasn’t come back.
So as you know I’ve been staying with my sister, her husband Greg and my two nephews who are total nerds. Tonight Greg is having a cocktail party and he made me promise that I’d stay in the basement. He even gave me the password for the satellite specialty channels which means hello pornography.
My idiot nephews are at a sleep-over which would be awesome to crash so I’m thinking about that. I have a 60 of vodka and a bag of cocaine that would turn their Star Wars marathon geekfest into a fucking 1980’s discotheque. But again, pornography. I’m not really sure what I’ll be doing tonight.
I’ll let you all know how it goes!
I often wonder how people can’t smile when they look at children and babies.
Wait, no, I mean I often wonder how people can smile when they look at children and babies.
I don’t get why everyone makes a big deal out of these guys.
Why are people scared of people that post cats?
Awwww, a baby duck in a hilariously awkward situation.
These guys aren’t so bad.
What’s Lemon Party?
Oh… Okay, harmless prank. Gross but not hate-worthy.
Aww another kitten.
JESUS CHRIST A GAPING ASSHOLE!