The world according to Alan

We don’t have Black Friday here in Canada but that didn’t stop me from going to my local Best Buy after snorting a whole bunch of cocaine and sucker punching an elderly man, right in his old man head, so I could be the first to take advantage of the 50 per cent off deal on circuit breakers.

USA! USA! USA! 

The thing about the website Doogle is that you can type whatever you want into the search bar, click the search button and be instantly connected to literally dozens of pages relevant to your search.

Want to look up the phone number to the kid that lives across the street that called you a loser? You’ll find it! Want to find out what a fajina is? You can search that too! Want to look up, in a frenzied state of horror, if your penis can fall off from masturbating too much because some kids you hang out with at the high school told you it could? Haha! Why would you look that up, silly? Of course that can’t happen. I already knew that though, I didn’t have to look it up.

9/11 the Freemasons new world order inside job 9/11 aliens the ILLUMINATI! 9/11 inside job bombs George W. Bush masonic rituals new world order HAARP the Obama administration gun laws the United Nations 9/11 one world government the Illuminati enslavement world bankers 9/11 the Bilderberg group 9/11 new world order. The Jews…

9/11

My sister and her “husband” Greg (we know you’re gay, stop living a lie) are letting me stay at their house while I try and get back on my feet. Apparently you can be evicted from your apartment if you don’t clean it for months… and let prostitutes use it as a sex den. Anyways, I get the whole basement to myself which is pretty sweet because I found a crawl space I can hide in when they ask me to help out around the house.

The only downside to staying here besides my sister and Greg hounding me to get a job is my nerd-burglar nephews. Like, do they even know what cigarettes are? They’re 7 and 8, they should be smoking and drinking by now instead of “doing homework” and “volunteering at the old folks home.” Losers. A few weeks with Uncle Alan and they’ll be picking up chicks and getting into bar fights faster than you can say “restraining order.” 

Anyways, I have to go. Greg and my sister just went to dinner and the nerd-squad is at band practice so I’m going to take this opportunity to go through Greg’s stuff. Update you later!

So I was asked to leave the Church of Sciencetology. 

I’m pretty bummed out about this because I was getting so close to figuring out how in the world Lord Zesu got all those crazy aliens to infect us. Oh well, I guess I’ll just have to watch the movie when it comes out or something.

I must have been pretty popular over at the church because I keep getting phone calls from other members and a few of them have even turned up outside my apartment! Haha, hey guys! If you’re reading this, why don’t you ever knock on the door? I’d love to have you in for some tea! And if you’re hungry you don’t have to go through my garbage bins, I’d gladly serve some lunch or something.

Those crazy bastards!

Hi all, 

I know I said I was taking a break, and I wasn’t planning on coming back until Monday, but this whole 4Chan thing really has me thinking.

Apparently 4Chan isn’t a huge fan of Tumblr and they are planning on attacking it, and popular Tumblrers (See: The Daily What, TheFrogman, ect.), sometime in the near future. One of their attacks will be to hack popular Tumblr accounts and either post gore and porn or delete the accounts outright. 

This has me confused and a little upset. People put a lot of work into their Tumblr pages and some jerks are just going to take that away from them because Tumblr is full of memes? It’s ridiculous. 

So I may be avoiding Tumblr for a much longer period than I had originally thought depending on what happens with this whole 4Chan business. This all reminds me of when H1N1 came and people, with the fresh memory or SARS, stock piled food and avoided taking the bus. (In case you were confused, Tumblr is the bus, 4Chan is H1N1 and Midget porn is SARS). 

Love, 

Alan

Hello all!

You may have noticed that the frequency of my posting has declined greatly over the past few weeks. This is attributed to what people call “writer’s block” or what I call “too drunk to think.” 

So to address the reoccurring question I’ve been receiving: yes, I’m okay and no, I’m not going anywhere. I’m just taking a little break from posting until I can sober up enough to think of something mildly mediocre. 

Until then keep fucking that chicken. 

Love, 

Alan

PS. To that super hot European model that left a question in my ask-box, no I will not have hours upon hours of sex with you and travel the world with you and have more sex with you. That’s a ridiculous thing to ask of me. 

Hey family, 

How are you?

Look, I’m sorry your son/brother/dad choked to death but in my defence he was making really funny faces that made me laugh… a lot. Besides, how was I supposed to know I was the only person in the entire restaurant who knew the Heimlich? 

Anyways, sorry for your loss or whatever.

Love,

Alan! 

Remember, remember the fifth of November.

I’ve seen this snippet of a larger limerick show up a few times today on my dashboard. Most of the people that have posted it, or similar posts concerning Guy Fawkes, don’t seem to know what the hell it means or who the hell Guy Fawkes is outside of what they’ve learned from V for Vendetta. 

Allow me to clear up a little confusion:

If you’re not a radical Catholic you shouldn’t be praising Guy Fawkes. Guy Fawkes wasn’t the anti-religion, anti-authority, anarchist hero people are making him out to be. He was the opposite, along with the rest of the Gunpowder Plot traitors. The Gunpowder Plot crew were radical Catholics who hated King James I because he was a Protestant. They wanted to blow up Parliament to replace a Protestant monarch with a Catholic one (Princess Elizabeth), not because they were anti-authority anarchists.

So all the people out there in Tumblrland behind the “Yay Guy Fawkes because he’s so anarchist and has a great moustache” are idiots… unless they’re radical Catholics in which case they’re crazy and shouldn’t be trusted.

There. I’m done. That’s all the seriousness I’ll discuss for a long while. Back to the frequent masturbation and cocaine binges. 

The ghost floated into the kitchen and started to prepare himself a sandwich. 

“Are you a ghost?” The little girl standing in the corner asked.

“What? Uh, oh, uh yeah, I guess I am.” The spooky ghost replied.

The ghost continued to make his sandwich but realised there was no Miracle Whip, probably because his stupid roommate Rudy used it all even though it wasn’t his.  

I think they should invent a toilet that goes in the bed so when you’re having “one of those weeks” you don’t have to leave your room at all. Maybe also have a built in mini-fridge.

Can someone make this and send it to me? Also send some pornography. 

Thanks!