On things I learned while working in customer service
There’s a point in everyone’s life when they have to deal with the public, and, let’s not kid ourselves, it sucks ass. However, there are some things that only the public can teach you. Here are some of those things:
- You will hear this from every old person you ever encounter, “I don’t mind the heat, it’s the humidity that gets me.” (Or, in Canada, “I don’t mind the cold, it’s the wind chill that gets me.”)
- There’s only so much crying a sane person can listen to before they consider punching a baby.
- It doesn’t matter how many corn fields your tiny ass town is surrounded by, city folk will still ask where your “fresh sushi bar” is.
- Assholes are called assholes for a reason.
- It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been at your job, the customer knows more than you.
- Hyper children + glass containers = disaster.
- The customers that wear their sunglasses inside and their collars popped up are the same ones that will ask if you have “‘za”.
- You will think of doing unspeakable things to yourself in order to leave your shift early.
- It doesn’t matter if you’re the pacifist’s pacifist, you’ll want to fight the kids with the baggy pants and backwards hats.
Dear homeless man I met at the corner of Wellsley and Younge,
I’m extremely glad to see that bought a 2 litre bottle of Coke and a big bag of Lays chips with the five dollars I gave you.
This showed considerable foresight and keen money management. It’s refreshing to see in a world gone mad with consumerism that someone still has their priorities straight. If I owned a business, I would have given you a job in accounting on the spot.
Anyways, keep sticking it to the man, or whatever.
It pains me that I pen this letter. However, sometimes we must do things, not because we want to but because we have to.
I miss you. I miss your grip, your feel, your taste, your smell. I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did, I wish we could have stayed together a little longer. You hurt me the day I saw your with the new one, with their sleek curves.
What was wrong with me? What did I do wrong? Did you just get bored of me? Did I stop doing the job?
Remember all those mornings? Those nights? Garlic bread, tea, onion topped hot-dogs, we did it all.
Sigh. I guess I saw this coming. I should have known this day was drawing close the second you chugged that maple syrup on a bet and threw-up everywhere and had me help clean up the mess. I should have known you’d look at me with disgust after that. I guess I just didn’t want to believe it. I guess I wanted to believe that you were different.
So long, Alan Harris. I loved you and I still do. If you need me, if the new one fails you, I’ll be waiting here in the garbage can where you left me, cold, lonely and longing for your grip.
Forgive if this doesn’t read well, it was thrown together in much haste.
A good friend of mine recently moved away to another province for school.
The summer was absolutely awful with her around. Parties, movie nights, trips to DQ, sitting about and shooting the shit, making fun of each other, making fun of others, driving around, and other “fun” things got really sickening, really fast. So thank god that’s over.
Now I can do actual fun things like sleep all day, stare, go days without showering or shaving, watch the neighbours, drink, stagger around the neighbourhood, yell obscenities at children, yell obscenities at the police, yell obscenities at the holding cell guard, and think.
Good-bye, Caroline! Life here in Newcastle’s going to be a lot better without you around.
This is straight from my diary journal from one year ago to-day.
"Dear Diary journal,
The United States election is really cool. I hope Barack Obama wins it, their country needs to be more socialised. They might not like the idea now, but they’ll love it when they have it. They’re all pretty intelligent people anyways, so I’m sure they’ll give it a fair chance. Although if Hillary Clinton wins that means we get to see Bill’s shenanigans again; that would be AWESOME!
Here in Canada things are pretty low key. We’re having an election soon but Canadian elections are boring as shit, just the way they should be. Harper is wearing sweaters and holding kittens to look more friendly but his cold, sunken eyes serve as a reminder that he’s a hollow shell of a man. The perfect type for the dry, dull, politics of Canada.
School is going well but I think I’ll be leaving soon. Journalism just isn’t the programme for me… The Canadian Press says we have to spell things like “realise” with a zed, and that’s stupid. Plus, I think I’m better suited for political science or quantum physics.
I’m going to church more and volunteering as much as I can. I’ve been cleaning the church on Saturday nights and helping hand out food and clothing to the homeless on Fridays. I’m feeling really good about myself and the Minister says I’m one of the friendliest, polite, and well mannered people he has ever met. He even suggested I join the Monastery. I’ll think about that if I don’t get into politics or physics.
Had a bit of bad luck recently, though. I was caught standing outside of my friend’s bedroom window at 4 in the morning, piss drunk off of a bottle of rye. I mean, it’s not like I was going to do anything to him, I just think he looks really peaceful while he sleeps. And so what if I wasn’t wearing pants? Is that a crime?! Apparently, it is. Conversation is awkward between he and I and I’m not aloud over to his house anymore. His mum’s being a real jerk about the whole thing (also, the restraining order).
I got a gift for the girl of my fancy! I left it on her front porch so that it will be a pleasant morning surprise when she goes to work. It was hard work severing a goat’s head in the middle of the night; those suckers sure can squirm. Advice: make sure your knife is really sharp. Lot’s of blood too, but I cleaned it up and made it look nice for her. I put a necklace of flowers I made her around it as a little bonus. If this doesn’t win her over I have no idea what will. Maybe if I hide in her room while she’s out and surprise her with some flowers? That might work, actually… (look out, ladies! I’m the romantic type you’ve been looking for, and will soon find… literally.)
Well, I’m off to develop all my photos I’ve taken of the families I’ve been watching. My walls are almost covered! And they hardly suspect a thing. They’re all such pleasant families… maybe I’ll send them a few photos I’ve taken as a little token of appreciation.
I recently finished watching that… thing… entitled The Secret. You know, the Secret that tells you you just have to want things bad enough and you’ll attract them? Yeah… Here’s a few things I learned while watching it:
* You don’t have to work in order to be successful, you just have to imagine your success really, really, really hard. Like Barack Obama. You think he did any work to get where he is? Fuck no!
* Doctors? Fuck ‘em! You just have to think that cancer away! Screw you, healthcare!
* Things like murder, pedophilia and rape happen because the victim attracts it by thinking negative thoughts. See, children? All the negative thoughts in your head attract those pedophiles. It’s your fault they want to touch you.
* Those Africans that are starving to death just don’t want the food bad enough. You gotta really want that food, Africans!
Now I’m going to take the advice and quit my job, stop going for doctor visits, sit back and believe my way into wealth, good health and fame!
I take a whiskey drink, I take a vodka drink and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink.
I’m not sure if anyone will agree but The Simpsons took a real dive into shit about 5 seasons ago. Remember the 90’s? Clever, witty, well thought out plot lines, hilarity, it had it all. Now? Now they just pull stupid gags, they try for cheap laughs and the plot lines are shit. Sure, they had cheap laughs and pulled stupid gags before but at least it was offset by wit!
Billy Mays had cocaine in his system? Billy Mays? The guy that screamed at us to buy shit that probably didn't work? The guy that got waaaaaaay too excited for the "power of oxy-clean"? No, I refuse to believe it.