August 2009
59 posts
On something Alan should probably think through
I hereby announce my candidacy for Mayor in the Clarington 2010 municipal election.
Look out, Clarington!
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Lesson learned the hard way # 31
When you’re not able to use sticks to roast marshmallows over a bonfire, hands do NOT make a good substitute.
On things I learned while watching "Valkyrie"
I have a really low threshold for shitty acting. Tom Cruise is a shitty actor. Therefore, it’s not my fault that I descended into a blind rage and broke a vase while attempting to view this movie.
Once again, apologies to the Greene family.
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Lesson learned the hard way # 22
Having a Wocket in your pocket is an unpleasant experience.
On things I learned while working in customer...
There’s a point in everyone’s life when they have to deal with the public, and, let’s not kid ourselves, it sucks ass. However, there are some things that only the public can teach you. Here are some of those things:
- You will hear this from every old person you ever encounter, “I don’t mind the heat, it’s the humidity that gets me.” (Or, in Canada,...
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Lesson learned the hard way # 29
The Wu Tang Clan ain’t nuthin’ to fuck wit’.
On giving
Dear homeless man I met at the corner of Wellsley and Younge,
I’m extremely glad to see that bought a 2 litre bottle of Coke and a big bag of Lays chips with the five dollars I gave you.
This showed considerable foresight and keen money management. It’s refreshing to see in a world gone mad with consumerism that someone still has their priorities straight. If I owned a business,...
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Lesson learned the hard way # 36
Sometimes the grass on the other side of the fence is cement and you should take caution when swan-diving.
On actual "bucket-lists"
Yeah, I could put a bunch of cool shit on my list that I’ll never do, so when I’m on my death bed it will remind me how pathetic my life had been or, I could be realistic.
Here’s my realistic bucket-list with goals that will be easy to reach.
1. Avoid dying for as long as possible.
2. Borrow a lot of money from people and try to avoid paying them back.
3. Offend people,...
On things I thought I knew
I walked by a poster which announced:
“Elton John memorial concert!”
I always thought that a memorial concert was for someone that died and, last I checked, Elton was still very much alive.
“E=Mc make me a fucking sandwich, bitch.”
– Albert Einstein after being asked by a woman to explain the Theory of Relativity. [citation needed]
On Dear John
Dear Alan,
It pains me that I pen this letter. However, sometimes we must do things, not because we want to but because we have to.
I miss you. I miss your grip, your feel, your taste, your smell. I wish it didn’t have to end the way it did, I wish we could have stayed together a little longer. You hurt me the day I saw your with the new one, with their sleek curves.
What was wrong...
I don't not like double negatives.
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Lesson learned the hard way # 4
Just because you watch someone sleep from the bushes outside their window doesn’t mean you’re a couple.
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Lesson learned the hard way # 3
Not all girls appreciate a severed goat’s head as an anniversary present.
Come on, CTV
CTV, you just aired an hour long special about the worst stalking cases that have occurred in Canada. An hour long and you didn’t have the decency to include my story?
I stalked 9 families over the course of 4 years and you didn’t feel that it was worthy of your programme?
Don’t you care about me? I thought you loved me, I thought you were going to be my station forever. I...
On So long and thanks for all the fish
A good friend of mine recently moved away to another province for school.
Thank GOD.
The summer was absolutely awful with her around. Parties, movie nights, trips to DQ, sitting about and shooting the shit, making fun of each other, making fun of others, driving around, and other “fun” things got really sickening, really fast. So thank god that’s over.
Now I can do actual...
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Lesson learned the hard way # 68
The police do NOT think the “pretend to kidnap your friends” prank is funny.
On Are you there God? It's me, Alan
Alan: Hey, God?
God: Just a sec, boss fight.
Alan: No... no, man, you gotta jump up on those blocks so Bowser's...
God: I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!!!!
Alan: Trust me, I played this a thousand times, jump up on the...
God: FUCK! Are you happy? Are you happy now? I died and I don't have any lives left...
...
God: What did you want?
Alan: Well if you're going to be in a sour mood maybe I'll just ask some other time...
God: Really? You're going to be like that now?
Alan: All I wanted to do was help you beat Bowser and you yelled at me...
God: Ugh... I'm sorry, okay? What did you want to ask me?
Alan: Do you agree with the extreme Right-wingers in the States?
God: Me, no! Those fuckers are clownshit crazy!
Alan: Thank you, God.
God: You're welcome, Alan. Me bless.
Fin.
Dear spider living in the bag of grapes I bought,
Fuck you.
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Lesson learned the hard way # 51
Catching hail on your tongue, in order to relive magical winter moments past, will only serve to hurt you, both physically and mentally.
Those sirens mean one of two things:
1) The Germans are invading
or,
2) Tornado warnings are being issued.
Either way, I get to use my gun!
On words that make me uncomfortable
* Moist
* Pussy-Willow (the hyphen makes it one word… to me)
* C-nt (censored so as not to offend my female followers)
* Curd
* Sauerkraut
* Chafe
* Chigger
* Velveteen
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Lesson learned the hard way # 42
Popcorn ceilings are NOT made out of popcorn.
On my day to-day
Posts about what people are doing (or did) during the day seem pretty hep as of late, so why should I be any different? Here I go! (SELL OUT!) Who yelled that?!
- Clean room [Thank GOD for Zeppelin or it would be completely unbearable. (or, rather, thank the Devil if the rumours of them selling their souls for rock & roll are to be believed.)]
- Drink an unhealthy amount of tea (people who...
On this day: A day in the life of Alan Harris
This is straight from my diary journal from one year ago to-day.
“Dear Diary journal,
The United States election is really cool. I hope Barack Obama wins it, their country needs to be more socialised. They might not like the idea now, but they’ll love it when they have it. They’re all pretty intelligent people anyways, so I’m sure they’ll give it a fair chance....
On things I learned while watching "The Secret"
I recently finished watching that… thing… entitled The Secret. You know, the Secret that tells you you just have to want things bad enough and you’ll attract them? Yeah… Here’s a few things I learned while watching it:
* You don’t have to work in order to be successful, you just have to imagine your success really, really, really hard. Like Barack Obama. You...
I would like to say a few words before I go to...
A few words.
Goodnight, ladies and gentlemen!
On Immigration Canada*
I think Immigration Canada should start an ad campaign in the States targeted towards the Gay Community. Think about it. I can picture the ad now:
“Gay? Great! Come to Canada where we don’t discriminate! If you’re a fairy come on up to the land where everyone’s treated fairly!”
They’d flock here in masses! It would be great! They’re friendly, smart,...
On diet
I just finished a late night meal of an entire bag of Doritos Jalapeño & Cheddar chip and a two litre bottle of coke.
I just realised that I am the most disgusting human being in terms of diet.
Jeez, you go out to fetch the morning paper naked...
I take a whiskey drink, I take a vodka drink and...
I’m not sure if anyone will agree but The Simpsons took a real dive into shit about 5 seasons ago. Remember the 90’s? Clever, witty, well thought out plot lines, hilarity, it had it all. Now? Now they just pull stupid gags, they try for cheap laughs and the plot lines are shit. Sure, they had cheap laughs and pulled stupid gags before but at least it was offset by wit!
Where have all...
Billy Mays had cocaine in his system? Billy Mays?...
Okay, so that Frankenberry cereal guy raises a lot of questions.
Is he a robot or a franken type character?
Why is he pink?
What’s with his eyes? Is he drunk? A cocaine addict? Meth head?!
Will he get along with my friend Jack Daniel?
Will he judge me? Judge me with his sucken, bloodshot eyes?
WHAT THE FUCK IS HE?!
