You know what I did to-day, Tumblr? I watched “The Wire,” Tumblr’s little “real time” post display.
From this I learned what subject matter the most frequently uploaded photographs have (Lady GaGa, Bubble Girl, Kanye West, Cats, Zooey Deschanel, Washed out pictures of forests with quotes over top of them, et cetera). Based on this knowledge I am now creating the greatest single photograph that will ever be uploaded to Tumblr.* It will be uploaded to-morrow and I expect it will take Tumblr by storm, probably even ending up on The Daily What. I don’t know, I’m not a blogologist.
I know that the mayoral election isn’t until November 2010 but I figure I should get a move on and create my platform.
I’m going to form a real post regarding my platform but thought I should give a little teaser in the meantime:
I will pass a law prohibiting all parents from using the internet both publicly and privately. This will be to end chain emails and to prevent anyone else from having to explain to their mum what “Pedobear” is.
If you remember a while back I posted the last Formspring page thingy for the year and said that I wouldn’t post another one until 2010. Well, 2010 is just a few days away so click the link and ask/say whatever you would like!
I’ll be posting it January 1st if I’m able to lift myself out of bed/keep down solid foods.
I know some of you hate Formspring but I would just like to remind you that being an internet “comedian” is hard and you people are too demanding. I can’t possibly come up with new “material” at the rate expected so I must resort to filling in the gaps with this nonsense.
An American Senator, Max Baucus (D-MT), has been accused by the Right of being drunk while on the Senate floor, even engaging in a “drunken tirade.” As Faux News put it:
"During the general debate on the health care legislation that recently passed the Senate, Senator Max Baucus, Democrat from Montana, took to the floor of the Senate and engaged in a drunken tirade. Oblivious to the fact that he was slurring his words and mangling his sentences…"
I don’t get it, my American friends. Even if this turns out to be true what’s the big deal? Our politicians up here in Canada are always drunk. I don’t think anyone would even think about running for office here if they couldn’t get hammered before going into the House or the Senate. Hell, our very first Prime Minister was a noted alcoholic and debated drunk on several occasions, and we regard this guy as a national hero!
So America, loosen up. Politicians have a tough job having to listen to our bitching and complaining all the time. Shouldn’t they be able to pound back a little bit o’ grandpa’s cough medicine once in a while?
It was the perfect Winter’s night, one a Canadian can only dream of. I capitalised on the occasion and decided to take a long walk in the snow to relax. No one would have been able to predict that I was about to become the victim of a brutal assault.
I stepped out of my house into the blustery snow. I was colder than I had first thought and pulled my coat tighter around myself, too tight, as it were. The coat refused to loosen and it became hard to breath, I started to panic. “What do I do?” I thought to myself, “am I going to die?”
No amount of self-defence training could have prepared me for this. I struggled, trying to free myself from the death grip, punching and scratching the material, desperate for a way out. A police officer noticed my difficulties and ran over to help, thank God. I dropped to the ground in an attempt to give him an upper hand; it worked. He unholstered his night-stick and began savagely beating the coat, the repeated crushing blows loosened the stranglehold. I was able to build up enough strength to rip the coat from my back and throw it on the ground. I thought the ordeal was over when a gust of wind sent the coat flying towards the officer and I, he withdrew his revolver and shot twice, it fell into a snow-bank without a sound.
I recovered quickly from “severe internal bleeding caused by blunt force trauma” as the doctors put it (I’m surprised coats can manage to inflict such damage) and am thankful to be alive. The real pain I suffer isn’t physical, though, it’s emotional, forever wondering, “why me?” as I desperately try to make sense of what happened… I fear that an answer will always elude me.
Here are a few people I think you should follow. By “should” I really mean that if you don’t I will come for you.
If you think I over looked you it’s either because I already put you in a previous “Follow (insert day I posted it here)” post or I just don’t like you enough to include you… or I’m whoring myself out to special interests and you didn’t sign up. Could be anything, really.
Anyway, here they are:
Katelyn Franssen - She’s a photographer, a Newcastleonian and she’s easy on the eyes.
Original Thoughts - Pictures that are captioned with what we were all thinking but were too afraid to say. Sort of.
I-create - Original artwork created by Nikki (who is also easy on the eyes). Not updated too often but good art isn’t rushed my imaginary great uncle who was a famous artist once said.
Alan Harris - A witty, humourous, handsome, intelligent, charming, caring, pleasant, sexy, intelligent, handsome, witty, humble guy that posts the funniest things you will ever read… ever. He’s also brilliant, sexy and modest.
There ya go, folks! Give ‘em a follow and make me look like a nice guy trying to help others.
Many internet sites are posting “Decade in review” lists/articles so I decided to hop on board the bandwagon and create my own! Mine’s better, though, because it’s super condensed so you don’t have to waste your time reading about something you experienced.
2000 - Y2K looms, people fear having to resort to pen/paper method of communication/learning/porn.
2001 - Holy shit. Fear of death is no longer illogical.
2002 - A war is waged.
2003 - Another war is waged; Global epidemic causes people to fear proximity to Asians.
2004 - Large scale natural disaster kills many. Whale explodes in unrelated incident.
2005 - Drawings in Denmark causes anger, murderous tendencies.
2006 - Sizeism extends to Solar System.
2007 - Television stops for two months, causes anger, murderous tendencies.
2008 - Global recession forces wealthy to stop eating caviare, un-wealthy to stop eating.
2009 - Racism ends; death of musician trumps all other news stories.
sitting alone in my room, everyone had gone to bed in the house. I hear my name being called in the distance, I wondered to myself who could that be then BAM I see a shadow run across my floor. WHAT THE @^&*! I run into the kitchen where I had seen the shadow, somehow it ran right into the fridge. I open the fridge and to my surprise two giant plates of turkey, just sitting there waiting to be eaten. Then I made a Turkey Sandwich.
Thank God! I thought I was the only one that had conversations with inanimate objects/food! I keep telling my psychiatrist that I’m not crazy but they just won’t listen! Silly “doctors.”
there are 10 on each page so make sure you complete both pages PASS THIS ON SO AS MANY PEOPLE CAN DO IT AS POSSIBLE :)! put a girl and a boy in each box please (there weren’t enough boxes to do them separately) i’ll post the results on 31st december 2009 x
I have no idea how legitimate this thing is, but feel free to put my name in all the boxes anyway. Especially for “tumblr with the best hair.”
Hi there! This is Alan Harris, the fellow who runs this here blog! I think you should nominate people. Not me, of course, because I’m humble, modest and extremely handsome. I don’t want you to vote for me because that would be arrogant of me to want. So don’t vote for me!
Would you like to go out to dinner with me, Zooey? That’s really all I want. I know most guys probably ask you to marry them or show them risqué photographs of yourself but I’m just a simple guy that wants to have nice conversation over dinner. I mean if you wanted to marry me or show me risqué photographs of yourself I wouldn’t argue but for now let’s just do dinner.
I know I may not be the pick of the litter looks wise so if you want to bring some of your big shot Hollywood friends to make it seem like a group function that would be okay (this way people will just think I’m the token ugly guy of the group!). We don’t even have to sit together in the restaurant if you don’t want to, I could sit at a table on the other side of the room. Hell, I don’t even have to come into the restaurant with you and your group of Hollywood hot shots, I’ll just sit outside in the parking lot and then when you’re done eating I’ll go in to pay the bill.
I think it would be a lot of fun, don’t you? I can balance umbrellas very well on my fingertips, if that helps you decide whether or not to go out to dinner with me.
Anyway, I’ll leave you alone now as you’re a busy woman.
While most of my fellow Commonwealth citisens will be spending to-day spending disgusting amounts of money on presents they asked for but didn’t get I will be spending the holiday as it was meant to be spent: Walking around telling the homeless, less fortunate and ill to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get jobs.
I don’t care that this holiday is meant to be spent doing charitable work for the less fortunate, homeless and ill. For God sakes we have an economy to contribute to, people! My fellow Empireonians are doing their part by buying slacks, televisions and tea service sets at ridiculously low prices and you’re just draining the sales tax dollars out of the system so that you can afford food this month. Sickening!
Well, the family has finally all left and my house is now back to being completely silent.
I look out over a sea of wrapping paper and gifts that I’ll never use nor wanted in the least; an egg beater despite my not being able to eat eggs; a package of seat covers for my non-existent car; a beard trimmer to trim a beard I never intend on growing; a scrapbook meant for couples to put all their lovey dovey crap in even though Susan (the whore that ruined Christmas forever) broke up with me last year… on Christmas…; a book of baby names; a gift basket of Eggnog (again with the eggs); a personalised toilet brush. But hey, it’s the fact that they’re driving the economy by reckless consumerism that counts, right?
To-night had one awkward moment when my gay uncle, the only Liberal in the family, tried to push his gay agenda on the children by giving them all gender neutral gifts. “What is this, Nazi Germany?” I asked him. Everyone in the family cheered and laughed at my witty remark to which my uncle began crying, telling us that equality isn’t wrong and Christmas is a time of togetherness. What an idiot. We won’t be inviting him to any more family get-togethers.
Speaking of not inviting family, we didn’t invite my cousin who became a nun because taking a vow of poverty is both a punch in the eye to Jesus and the wrong message to be giving children at this time of year. Not buying things you don’t need isn’t going to help anyone, kids. Remember that.
Anyways, I better go, I think I hear the faint sound of children crying at the Orphanage next-door. Don’t they know there’s noise by-laws?
Some idiots built a house on the property next to mine, a property which used to serve as my book reading field. They altered the grade of the property which now causes all rain water to drain onto my property. The following is a letter I wrote to my new idiot neighbours. Spoiler alert: my claws come out!
Thank you kindly for disregarding the altered grade of your property in regards to rainfall. You have failed to realise that the grade of your property now causes a very sizeable collection of water to form on my property. Said collection of water is located over what used to be my perennial Memorial garden, a garden planted in memory of our lost Soldiers which suffered partial destruction (more than half of the plants which were imported from Holland) under the tracks of a machine used to build your house. The water has also flooded one of my sheds. Such a location of such a large amount of water will certainly affect whether or not my perennials will bloom in the Spring (my guess is that they won’t as this much water sitting atop them will surely cause damage to the bulbs). I certainly hope my Apple tree will fair better than my Dutch bulbs.
I would have hoped that careful planning, common sense and courtesy would have prevented this from happening but after witnessing the recklessness your workers displayed towards my property and belongings such hope was lost.
Take that, Neighbours! Welcome to the wrath of Alan Harris’ strongly worded letters!
You know what happens when you tell your four year old niece that her gingerbread house looks like a drunk retard made it? Your family gets mad at you, especially your cousin that works with the mentally challenged.
If I was a guest at someone’s Christmas dinner and for some reason they served human instead of duck I guess I’d try it but only because I don’t want to be rude or ungrateful, especially on the holidays.
I think my favourite part of any day is putting on my shoes because shoes let you do things that you can’t do in bare feet. Like today I went running through the neighbour’s yard while they were at work so as to piss off their dog that wouldn’t shut the hell up last night when I desperately wanted to sleep after being awake for 24 hours. It just sat there in the back window yapping away at me. Just yappin’ and yappin’ while I’m in its yard smearing mud around, throwing its poo at the windows and tipping over lawn furniture. And you know what? There’s nothing that stupid dog can do because it’s stupid. Couldn’t have done all that without shoes now could I’ve?
I bet Christmas in Germany is really nice until someone at the dinner table says something like “remember back in the forties…” and then their uncle cuts them off and makes this gesture like whatever they were about to say was really inappropriate and then everyone stops talking and sort of feels bad for themselves.
Ladies and gentlemen, something awful is happening in the Canadian Maritimes. Liberal MP for Kings-Hants, Nova Scotia Scott Brison used a picture of him and his husband for his annual MP Christmas card. The card not only pictures a gay married couple but goes a step further by portraying the two as happy, a hidden gay agenda message to the world that it’s possible for gay people to be happy in their country. Thankfully a handful bigots brave Canadians are speaking out, voicing their disapproval.
I couldn’t find this disgusting portrayal of happiness so I found this more tame picture of the honourable MP instead.
Just look at him up there. Cleaning his oven… nude. All chiselled… and handsome… it’s terrible! Terrible I say!
For the past little while I have been posting approximately 3-4 (in some cases 5-6) posts a day. While this has been great for my tumblarity I fear that if I keep up this trend I will bleed the well dry and start posting less than mediocre posts. I know how much you all enjoy my mediocrity and do not wish to compromise this.
I will start posting longer entries semi-regularly, perhaps two a week, and attempt to fill the gap with pictures bearing “hilarious” or “witty” captions and short quips that are short and quippy.
Not sure how to end this so here’s a picture of my dog:
The BBC posed the question “Should homosexuals face execution?" in order to spur discussion about legislation being debated in Uganda that would see homosexual acts punishable by death.
User Chris posted at 0859, which attracted 51 “likes,” “Totally agree. Ought to be imposed in the UK too, asap. Bring back some respectable family values. Why do we have to suffer ‘gay pride’ festivals? Would I be allowed to organise a ‘straight pride’ festival? No, thought as much! If homosexuality is natural, as we are forced to believe, how can they sustain the species? I suggest all gays are put on a remote island somewhere and left for a generation - after which, theoretically there should be none left!”
Exactly. I agree with Chris; I too think we should send homosexuals to their own island because their acts are unnatural, even though monkeys, dolphins, penguins, elephants, bears, rats, buffalo, dogs, raccoons, cats, chickens, emus, lizards, turtles, frogs, snakes, bees, sunfish, dragonflies, beetles, flies, hamsters, bats, sheep, whales, koalas, deer, zebras and countless other fish, reptiles and mammals have been proven to engage in homosexual behaviour. But just because animals display a behaviour doesn’t make it natural, they can’t even read for God sakes. How are they supposed to know what God said is natural if they can’t read the Bible? They can’t, they just act on what they feel unlike Chris and I who resist our homosexual urges because we know they’re unnatural.
So gays, your days are numbered thanks to truth seekers like Chris.
Whenever I’m feeling depressed I put on Sunshine on my Shoulders by John Denver because that song really cheers me up. Then I remember that John Denver died in a horrific aeroplane crash and I get really depressed again.
It might have something to do with me accidentally eating those children, it might be because I diverted the town’s water supply to my castle so that I could create a massive swimming pool or it could be because I mutilated and/or slaughtered the entire population of farm animals for kicks, I don’t know, I’m not an evil-ologist.
What I do know is that the days of torch bearing town mobs are over, people. This isn’t medieval England, for God’s sake, you can’t just show up at my castle with intent to burn me. What am I? Some sort of monster?
Okay, yes, I suppose I am some sort of a monster. In my defence those children were trespassing on my grounds and they looked like wild turkeys… with baseball caps… and baseball equipment. Whatever, the point is we live in a land of law and justice, you can’t just enforce “mob-rule” whenever someone eats a couple children or dumps toxic waste in the public pool… or accidentally axe murders a blonde girl in her kitchen.
Now, I may or may not have done some things that people might find objectionable but you know what I did do? I united the town. And isn’t that what the holidays are all about? Unity and togetherness? I mean, come on, when’s the last time hundreds of you came together for a common cause? And aren’t you all a little closer for this experience? You’re welcome.
Also, I’m billing the town for the damage caused to my property. Estimates are in the hundreds of thousands.