You know what I did to-day, Tumblr? I watched “The Wire,” Tumblr’s little “real time” post display. From this I learned what subject matter the most frequently uploaded photographs have (Lady GaGa, Bubble Girl, Kanye West, Cats, Zooey Deschanel, Washed out pictures of forests with quotes over top of them, et cetera). Based on this knowledge I am now creating the...
What’s the market like for Alf comics right now?– Bill Clinton
On my campaign platform
I know that the mayoral election isn’t until November 2010 but I figure I should get a move on and create my platform. I’m going to form a real post regarding my platform but thought I should give a little teaser in the meantime: I will pass a law prohibiting all parents from using the internet both publicly and privately. This will be to end chain emails and to prevent anyone else...
On whoring myself out
Hey all! If you remember a while back I posted the last Formspring page thingy for the year and said that I wouldn’t post another one until 2010. Well, 2010 is just a few days away so click the link and ask/say whatever you would like! I’ll be posting it January 1st if I’m able to lift myself out of bed/keep down solid foods. I know some of you hate Formspring but I would just...
On what I'm doing to-day
I often see Tumblrites posting a run-down of their daily activities in list form. In an effort to stay relevant, here’s mine! Wake up, stare blankly at wall for a bit Play a few games of solitaire Re-watch some films I’ve already seen a bunch of times Cry if I’ve remembered to drink something (preferably Whiskey, Scotch) Shoot myself in the face My afternoon is pretty much...
On something sad(ish)
What ever happened to Louise Brooks, Clara Bow, Marion Davies, Carol Lombard and Rita Hayworth? Now they were some sexy celebrities.
On American Politics
An American Senator, Max Baucus (D-MT), has been accused by the Right of being drunk while on the Senate floor, even engaging in a “drunken tirade.” As Faux News put it: “During the general debate on the health care legislation that recently passed the Senate, Senator Max Baucus, Democrat from Montana, took to the floor of the Senate and engaged in a drunken tirade. Oblivious to...
On Winter wonderland!
It was the perfect Winter’s night, one a Canadian can only dream of. I capitalised on the occasion and decided to take a long walk in the snow to relax. No one would have been able to predict that I was about to become the victim of a brutal assault. I stepped out of my house into the blustery snow. I was colder than I had first thought and pulled my coat tighter around myself, too tight,...
On things that are true
Being friends with a girl is like being in a relationship without all the cool benefits.
what do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
screamingforsunlight: A POUCH POTATO. get it? POUCH? I know I don’t reblog but this was too much. I had to.
Here are a few people I think you should follow. By “should” I really mean that if you don’t I will come for you. If you think I over looked you it’s either because I already put you in a previous “Follow (insert day I posted it here)” post or I just don’t like you enough to include you… or I’m whoring myself out to special interests and you...
On a decade in review (summarised)
Many internet sites are posting “Decade in review” lists/articles so I decided to hop on board the bandwagon and create my own! Mine’s better, though, because it’s super condensed so you don’t have to waste your time reading about something you experienced. 2000 - Y2K looms, people fear having to resort to pen/paper method of communication/learning/porn. 2001 - Holy...
There I was
katelynfranssen: sitting alone in my room, everyone had gone to bed in the house. I hear my name being called in the distance, I wondered to myself who could that be then BAM I see a shadow run across my floor. WHAT THE @^&*! I run into the kitchen where I had seen the shadow, somehow it ran right into the fridge. I open the fridge and to my surprise two giant plates of turkey, just sitting...
thefrogman: ispysj: there are 10 on each page so make sure you complete both pages PASS THIS ON SO AS MANY PEOPLE CAN DO IT AS POSSIBLE :)! put a girl and a boy in each box please (there weren’t enough boxes to do them separately) i’ll post the results on 31st december 2009 x first 10: http://www.formspring.com/forms/?729670-1eBZrPeY5r second 10:...
Lesson learned the hard way # 100
Don’t EVER untie a bow-tie. EVER.
I’m too drunk to even get dressed right now.– Gerald Ford when asked what should be done in regards to foreign policy.
On this year's resolution, as per request
2010 - Borrow more money from people, don’t pay them back (I’m feeling really good about this one)
On a decade's worth of New Year resolutions, a...
2000 - Get fit (fail). 2001 - Try harder in school (fail). 2002 - Don’t die in terrorist attack this year (check). 2003 - Get fit. Seriously this time (fail). 2004 - Don’t get more un-fit this year (fail). 2005 - Take up smoking and quit, use this as a “if I can do it so can you” motto to get others to quit smoking (check/fail). 2006 - Quit smoking (fail). 2007 -...
On an open letter to Zooey Deschanel
Hello. How are you? Would you like to go out to dinner with me, Zooey? That’s really all I want. I know most guys probably ask you to marry them or show them risqué photographs of yourself but I’m just a simple guy that wants to have nice conversation over dinner. I mean if you wanted to marry me or show me risqué photographs of yourself I wouldn’t argue but for now let’s...
On Boxing Day
While most of my fellow Commonwealth citisens will be spending to-day spending disgusting amounts of money on presents they asked for but didn’t get I will be spending the holiday as it was meant to be spent: Walking around telling the homeless, less fortunate and ill to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and get jobs. I don’t care that this holiday is meant to be spent doing...
Well, the family has finally all left and my house is now back to being completely silent. I look out over a sea of wrapping paper and gifts that I’ll never use nor wanted in the least; an egg beater despite my not being able to eat eggs; a package of seat covers for my non-existent car; a beard trimmer to trim a beard I never intend on growing; a scrapbook meant for couples to put all...
Some idiots built a house on the property next to mine, a property which used to serve as my book reading field. They altered the grade of the property which now causes all rain water to drain onto my property. The following is a letter I wrote to my new idiot neighbours. Spoiler alert: my claws come out! Dear neighbour, Thank you kindly for disregarding the altered grade of your property in...
Lesson learned the hard way # 9
You know what happens when you tell your four year old niece that her gingerbread house looks like a drunk retard made it? Your family gets mad at you, especially your cousin that works with the mentally challenged.
Happy Birthday, Jesus!
On holiday traditions
If I was a guest at someone’s Christmas dinner and for some reason they served human instead of duck I guess I’d try it but only because I don’t want to be rude or ungrateful, especially on the holidays.
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On a conversation I had when I was a mall Santa
“And what would you like for Jesus’ birthday, little boy?” I asked. “For Christmas I want legos!” He said excitedly because children are stupid and get excited over things like that. “Not world peace?” I said. “No! Legos!” He yelled. “What about ending world hunger?” “NO! I WANT LEGOS!” “What about solving...
Jokes are either a swing or a miss. That’s why I carry a baseball bat with me. … File this one under “miss.”
On things I enjoy
I think my favourite part of any day is putting on my shoes because shoes let you do things that you can’t do in bare feet. Like today I went running through the neighbour’s yard while they were at work so as to piss off their dog that wouldn’t shut the hell up last night when I desperately wanted to sleep after being awake for 24 hours. It just sat there in the back window...
On something I don't quite understand
Today I was told I look like a lesbian. I’m not sure if I should take this as a compliment or be offended.
On celebrity death
I can’t believe Jennifer Jones died…
On international customs
I bet Christmas in Germany is really nice until someone at the dinner table says something like “remember back in the forties…” and then their uncle cuts them off and makes this gesture like whatever they were about to say was really inappropriate and then everyone stops talking and sort of feels bad for themselves.
TUMBLR MEETUP IN TORONTO
canadiansliveinigloos: challengedlife: Who’s gunna go? Are my followers even Torontonians? I think I’m probably gunna go. o rly :O Just say the word and I’m there. (The word’s whiskey, by the way)
On MPs and Christmas cards
Ladies and gentlemen, something awful is happening in the Canadian Maritimes. Liberal MP for Kings-Hants, Nova Scotia Scott Brison used a picture of him and his husband for his annual MP Christmas card. The card not only pictures a gay married couple but goes a step further by portraying the two as happy, a hidden gay agenda message to the world that it’s possible for gay people to be happy...
On how Alan comes up with his "jokes"
People seldom ask, “Alan, how do you come up with your hilarious jokes?” Well imaginary people, here’s how (in a series of steps): Stare Think of an absurd situation, write it down Drink heavily (straight from bottle to avoid dish washing) Erase everything that has been written Stare Drink more (See: Step 3) Visit unknown comedian’s website and steal work Change...
On quality not quantity
Hi ladies and gentlemen! For the past little while I have been posting approximately 3-4 (in some cases 5-6) posts a day. While this has been great for my tumblarity I fear that if I keep up this trend I will bleed the well dry and start posting less than mediocre posts. I know how much you all enjoy my mediocrity and do not wish to compromise this. I will start posting longer entries...
On world issues
The BBC posed the question “Should homosexuals face execution?” in order to spur discussion about legislation being debated in Uganda that would see homosexual acts punishable by death. User Chris posted at 0859, which attracted 51 “likes,” “Totally agree. Ought to be imposed in the UK too, asap. Bring back some respectable family values. Why do we have to suffer...
On music and cheering up
Whenever I’m feeling depressed I put on Sunshine on my Shoulders by John Denver because that song really cheers me up. Then I remember that John Denver died in a horrific aeroplane crash and I get really depressed again.
On an address to the people of my town
It might have something to do with me accidentally eating those children, it might be because I diverted the town’s water supply to my castle so that I could create a massive swimming pool or it could be because I mutilated and/or slaughtered the entire population of farm animals for kicks, I don’t know, I’m not an evil-ologist. What I do know is that the days of torch bearing...
On the title of my new book
My week without laughter: The tragic tale of Alan Harris’ attempt to watch the Jay Leno Show