November 2009
108 posts
On government oversight
Folks, it’s no lie that the government is getting too nosy; always wanting to know every aspect of our personal lives.
“Where do you live?”
“How much money did you make this year?”
“Why are you in my office without your pants on?”
Nothing is ever enough for these guys!
Step off, big brother!
1 tag
On an open letter to myself
Hey Alan,
How are you?
Look, what happened isn’t that big of a deal, okay? Shit happens all the time like this and you can’t let it bother you as much as you’re letting it. You were dazed because you hadn’t eaten all day and you were sick, how were you supposed to concentrate properly? Plus, he was wearing girl pants and a pink hoodie. It’s an honest mistake,...
On something revolutionary
Some people may think I’m too revolutionary with what I’m about to say but…
Isn’t it about time we gave Asians the right to vote? I mean, the only difference between them and us is that they originate, and correct me if I’m wrong here, from Africa.
Anyways, that’s my thoughts on the matter. I’ve always been a pretty progressive guy.
On Frogs ping
i must admit that sometimes i can’t distinguish your sarcasm from your serious remarks
Most of my closest friends feel the same way about me and I intend to have it remain that way.
LOLOLOL YOU LOOK LIKE A RAPIST
Well, you must possess the wit of Oscar Wilde, the balls of Winston Churchill and the intelligence of Stephen Hawking to pull off insulting someone anonymously over the internet...
On follow Friday night (Saturday morning edition)
Ladies and gentlemen I implore you to follow this blog.
He’s a friend from college (and a fellow college drop out! Don’t stay in school, children. I quit college and look at me now! I run a sub-par “comedy” blog no one knows about! I digress…)
He hates the elderly so, you know, that’s always hilarious.
Oh, and if you don’t follow him I will find you.
“Hey yo, I smoke dust and shoot cops, sold guns to Tupac
Smoked blunts with...”
– Stephen Hawking
Just got back from “The Vagina Monologues.” It was not at all what I was expecting… I think I need a cold shower.
On From Spring or whatever
i don’t like your socks. k?
Ya well FUCK YOU! I’m sorry for my outburst… It’s just that these socks belonged to a Vietnamese child before being placed in the package and sent to Wal-Mart, so they’re rich with sentimental value (and also sweat and tears, probably).
If you could be punched in the face by anyone, who would it be?
Abraham Lincoln. I would love to...
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On Black Friday
This morning I arose at 3:30 in order to prepare myself for the long day of shopping ahead; I was quite tired as I had only gone to sleep shortly after 12 midnight.
I figured I’d be one of the first people in line at Best Buy as I had left the house so ridiculously early. It turned out that I was right and the sleep deprivation was worth it; there I stood in front of Best Buy, not a single...
On a good idea #2
Why don’t they just find another dentist that agrees with the toothpaste?
On an actual fact about Alan #4
If I were gay The Beatles circa 1964 would be in serious, serious, trouble.
On Curb
Whomever submitted (through Formspring) the link for Curb online is awesome. Also, if I happen to break into your home just remind me of this and I’ll give you a free pass.
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On an open letter to City Tv
Hey guys,
How are ya?
Look, I’m really glad you’re airing Curb on your channel because I don’t get HBO and it’s a bitch to find episodes online. One problem though. You’re censuring the show! It’s really taking away from the humour. Every third word is swearing and the censuring is harshing my Curb buzz.
The CRTC allows swearing after 9 so I don’t know...
“Me yavine delahoy in the grone. I say it’s thisin bulfam because a king...”
– Bob Dylan
On forms sings.
I am a big fan of your writing style and also of the things you post. But I’m honestly scared of you.
Well thank you! I’m glad someone appreciates the hard work I put into being public enemy number one. I’d be scared of me too! I’m a sneaky little guy, always running around doin’ stuff. You don’t really need to worry unless you’re within driving distance...
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Lesson learned the hard way # 12
“Do you want your face smashed in?” is a rhetorical question and should not be answered in a smart ass manner.
On more form things!
1) So are you really serious about your amount of arrests? 2) where exactly do you live?
1) Absolutely I’m serious! I’m one badass mother fucker from the wrong side of the tracks! No one better mess up with me in my face because I might stab them with some sort of homemade knife device! I’m the type of person that your parents probably warned you about! The type of person that...
On form thing
Haha, fuck you!
Haha! Okay!
How many felonies have you been convicted of?
How many blokes have you banged? You’re kind of a dick to people, I noticed. Why do you think your followers tollerate such behavior? May I stalk you? I find you very attractive. This is all, for now.
Felonies? Those are serious crimes! I think that’s also a United States term…
15 Stalking arrests (13...
Come on! →
Come on, Tumblrites! You can ask anything and you’re bound to get a hilarious response! I got no material right now! Help a brother out!
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On Formspringing
I would just like to add that I’ll let a few questions pile up before answering to save time, space and money.
I also don’t think you all would like your dashboards to be inundated with me answering questions/hate mail.
Uhm… I feel like I should put something funny here. Something about Jimmy Carter or or ducks.
Meh, I’ll think of something later. Or not. Maybe!
From Spring or Form thing or whatever it's called. →
There comes a time in every Tumblrite’s (Tumblronian’s? Tumblie’s?) life when they must resort to posting formspring questions in order to maintain post frequency and tumblarity; selling out, if you will.
I sell out and I sell out often.
Send ‘em my way!
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On music
Oh, The Supremes. You always manage to bring out the strong Black woman in me.
An excerpt from my harlequin novel
The summer night was hot and humid, we were both sticky with sweat. She lead me by the hand into her house and up the stairs to her bedroom; my heart was pounding with anticipation.
She pushed me on to her plush, king-size, bed that she probably picked up at Ikea when they had their last big sale. Or maybe she got it from Sleep Country? They have pretty good deals on beds too. Anyways, she smiled...
“I think I’ll have the steak, medium rare, with a side of Caesar salad....”
– Sigmund Freud
On the magic of Christmas
Every year my town throws together this Sinterklaas parade and the whole town comes out to watch it. It’s great! All the kids get to see Sinterklaas, the town’s two firetrucks get decorated and lead the parade, the local police dress up like elves and the Food Bank collects donations. It’s heart warming and magical.
This is also the night I go house-to-house and steal from the...
2 tags
On reminiscing
I remember in grade 12 English class my friend did a book report on an episode of “Murder She Wrote.” He got 100 per cent. I did “Crime and Punishment” and only got 78 per cent.
“Are you sure this stuff won’t be taken out of context? I don’t want...”
– Jesus to his editor
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On an open letter to Elton John's Greatest Hits...
Hello album full of great music,
How are ya?
Look, I am a huge fan of Elton John and I really love the song selection you have going, I really do. I have one little problem though, you don’t seem to have the song order right.
You see, the song “Candle in the Wind” really gets to me; get’s me thinking about Princess Diana and her untimely death. So I’m sitting here...
On fighting
I think the best part of tonight’s UFC main event was when Tito Ortiz and Forrest Griffin busted out the Scrabble board and Ortiz got “Jukebox” and landed a triple word score.
alltheprettyhorses:
alanharris: i love you so much right now. you liked every single one of my alexis bledel pics! clearly we are at least partial soul-mates! :)
I like those odds!
On confusion
I don’t get it, folks. I can eat cereal, pancakes or waffles for dinner and everyone has no problem with it, right?
So why does everyone freak out when I have monkey brains for breakfast?
I should be allowed having dinner type foods at breakfast if I want, people! You don’t need to look horrified, I’m 22 and perfectly capable of making my own decisions.
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On an ode
We look for a lantern and you are the light. You shine your glory in even the darkest corners.
Alltheprettyhorses: Well your posts are good! It makes me happy that you are happy.
On stories!
My favourite Bible story is the one where Jesus tells us to love everyone except for Gay people and then he cuts healthcare spending so people are free to choose between spending money to stay healthy or spending their money to have a house to live in.
Jesus was a great Republican.
