The world according to Alan

My brother took my costume, the “sexual predator.” It consists of track-pants, dirty white running shoes, a trench coat, weird looking glasses and a baseball cap worn too low. He’s going to have candy taped to the inside of the coat so he can open it and try to lure in people.

I’m still stuck between two costumes. I’ll either be a gay Republican or an air-force pilot (I collect military uniforms).

I like the concept behind gay Republican but I don’t know if I’m comfortable stereotyping the gay community. I could imagine some might find it a little offensive. I don’t care about stereotyping the Republicans, though. They generally don’t have feelings. BAM!

But seriously I don’t know what to do.

Happy Halloween all! Don’t drive drunk and for God’s sake lock your doors. This is the first Halloween the police aren’t locking me up as a precaution so, you know, heads up.

Hey guys, Let me first start out by saying I’m sorry. Now let me explain. I don’t watch TV and all pop culture knowledge I have comes from the 1960s so I had no idea that large groups of people dress up in extremely convincing zombie costumes and walk around large cities. I also happen to love the zombie genre of film and have been extensively planning for the Zombie Apocalypse. You could imagine my surprise/excitement/fear when I looked up from my iPod and noticed 30 or so “zombies” walking towards me. Immediately I sprang into survival mode, grabbed the Colt .45 I keep in my backpack for inevitable zombie emergencies, and fired 6 or 7 shots into the crowd before I realised you guys were just idiots in costume. Lucky for four of you I haven’t gone for firearms training, my arms and wrists are horribly weak and the Colt .45 is a very powerful weapon. Man, when that football player looking zombie ran towards me I actually peed myself from the fear as I had yet to figure out that you all weren’t real zombies. He’ll be missed. I was going to visit you guys in hospital to see how your wounds were healing but I’m stuck here in jail awaiting trial. My lawyer said the Zombie Apocalypse defence isn’t going to hold up but I think he’s just incredibly stupid. Hope you guys get better soon! Love, Alan PS. Your costumes were REALLY convincing. Well done! PPS. To the Harling family, I am terribly sorry for your loss. I can assure you that in Jack’s final minutes it looked like he was really enjoying being dressed up. He also looked like he would have made an amazing quarterback. Was he a quarterback? I bet he could have gotten an amazing scholarship to a very prestigious university. I bet he would have gone to that university and studied hard and then made quite a nice life for himself. Anyways, RIP and all that.

H1N1! DO YOU HAVE H1N1?! YOU MIGHT HAVE H1N1! ARE YOUR CHILDREN GOING TO GET H1N1 WHEN THEY TRICK OR TREAT?! THEY MIGHT GET H1N1 WHEN THEY TRICK OR TREAT! H1N1! H1N1 VACCINES ARE RUNNING OUT! H1N1 CLINICS ARE OVERCROWDED!! THERE ISN’T ENOUGH VACCINES FOR THE PEOPLE IN LINE AT THE H1N1 CLINIC! H1N1! ARE THEY GOING TO DIE BECAUSE WE DON’T HAVE ENOUGH VACCINES?! THEY MIGHT DIE! YOU MIGHT DIE! DEATH IS SCARY! IS YOUR FOOD SLOWLY KILLING YOU? YOUR FOOD MIGHT BE KILLING YOU! YOU SHOULD STOP EATING SO YOUR FOOD DOESN’T KILL YOU! PEOPLE RAPE AND KILL PEOPLE SOMETIMES! THERE MIGHT BE A RAPIST OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW! HE MIGHT COME IN AND RAPE YOU! HE MIGHT KILL YOU TOO! BE AFRAID OF EVERYONE YOU DON’T KNOW! THEY MIGHT BE MURDERERS AND/OR RAPISTS! BE AFRAID OF EVERYONE YOU DO KNOW BECAUSE THEY MIGHT RAPE OR KILL YOU! NO ONE HAS JOBS BECAUSE OUR ECONOMY DIED! YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO PROTECT YOURSELF AGAINST H1N1, RAPE, MURDER AND OTHER SCARY THINGS! YOU MIGHT LOSE YOUR HOUSE BECAUSE YOU LOST YOUR JOB!

Something bad happened overseas. War killed some people and destroyed some things. People in Africa are still complaining about being cold, or hungry or something…

It’s going to rain but it might not. Might be cold or a little bit mild.

A team of people won something by using a ball in some manner to get a point for their team.

Someone that was in a movie once did something that wasn’t related to being in a movie but we have video and pictures of them doing that unrelated thing.

Do you see this puppy? This video of a puppy was captured by one of our reporters. Isn’t it cute?

Goodnight everyone.

COMING UP TOMORROW ON THE NEWS. REMEMBER THAT PUPPY WE SHOWED YOU JUST A SECOND AGO?! WAS IT WAS KILLED BY A DRUNK DRIVER WHO WAS ON HIS WAY TO HOSPITAL TO GET TREATED FOR H1N1 HE GOT FROM SOMEONE HE RAPED AND KILLED? IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN! TUNE IN TOMORROW TO FIND OUT! FEAR! H1N1!

Hey guys!

Guess which creepy, old, “sexual predator” is part of the NaNoWriMo contest?

Me!

If you’re also trying to write a 50,000 word novel in a month than be my writing buddy! I’m listed under sexualpredator45 alanharris3.

Prostitute: Hey baby, lookin’ for a good time?

Me: Look lady, if I wanted to pay someone to screw me I’d phone my divorce lawyer and ex-wife.

BAM!

I’m standing on the side of Queen St. lining up a picture of some buildings when a black man steps into frame as I press the shutter.

Black guy: Oh shoot, sorry about that!

Me: No, no! It’s okay, I’m an equal opportunity photographer!

He laughed so hard I thought he was going to puke.

Last night was AWESOME! I obliterated the high score on Bubble Shooter, got completely sloshed out of my mind and passed out in my chair.

I can’t wait until next weekend!

Hey guy,

That’s a nice gold watch you have there, it really is. I’m glad you matched it to your belt buckle. Someone’s been reading GQ! I see your pinstripe tailored suit is absolutely wrinkle and lint free, that’s fantastic. My you groom well. Oh and your shoes! How shiny!

Yes, the cashier is attractive, you don’t need to nod in her direction and then wink at me. She actually happens to be a friend of mine, so, you know, I don’t really like you doing that. What’s that? Oh, you’re bragging about your Jaguar? Really? You really think she cares about your car? You do really think that! Haha, yeah, you volunteered at the children’s hospital, how humane of you.

Hey! I know your car, your suit and your accessories are probably worth more than everything I own but know one thing, buddy. We all die. So your little GQ look, your fancy car and your charm don’t really matter in the end. Nothing we do on this Earth will matter.

Go home and think about that while you recline in your 1500 dollar leather chair and listen to your 14,000 dollar ELP record player. What’s that? How did I know you own those things? Oops, I forgot my debit card at home, I gotta run!

Signed,

The guy that totally doesn’t watch you from the oak tree on your front lawn.

Wearing white clothes is like saying “I don’t mind spending all day doing laundry.”

Okay, you think that’s bad? Ready for this one?

Wearing white clothes is like saying “I don’t mind avoiding food and drink all day.”

I’m here all week, folks!

youroldarchenemycatwoman:

where are you man? what the hell?

you know that roof you climbed and that window you looked into and took the picture of that guy when you were here?

well…i don’t know him. i was just reminiscing.

I’m in jail!

Fun fact: Jails have free WiFi! Our tax dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen! I already used up my call to phone a radio station. They were giving away Led Zeppelin prize packs and I thought I knew the right answer.

Another fun fact: Led Zeppelin is a rock band and not a German zeppelin manufacturer.

The Beatles keep asking me to do it in the road and no matter how many times I tell them they’re making me uncomfortable they won’t stop.

I mean, I love them and all but just as friends. I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to hurt their feelings but I’m really uncomfo-

Never mind, they stopped. I think they’re talking about drugs now. They need help.

Alex: Hey kids, I’m home!
Kids: Daddy, daddy! Did you get us Count Chocula?!
Alex: Now, kids, you know I don’t like you eating that sugary trash. I got you a cereal that’s better. Muslix!! Everyone loves Muslix! It’s good for you and it will keep you regular. Don’t you kids think being sensible is more fun?
Kids: …

Later that night.

Susan: We’re getting a divorce, Alex.

Bagel-fuls are surely the sign that Western society is nearing the end.

The thing about laziness is that it’s… ah, fuck it.

The Queen doesn’t know the difference between a satire of a death threat and an actual death threat.

The thing about censorship laws is that they —————- —————— ————- —————- ———— ————-are —- ———— ———- ——————- ———— —————- quite ——- ———- —————- ————- ——-helpful ———- ———— ——- ————- ———————— —————— —————- ——————— —— ——————— ————- ———- ————————-  ————— ——————- ———— ————- —————- ————— —————— ——————- —————— ————— ——— —————- —————- —————-at —— —————— ———— ———- ——— —————- ————protecting ———— ——— —————  ———- ————————— ————- ————- ————- ——————- ————— ————- —————— ———-children! —— ———— ———- ————— ——————- ——— —————- ————- —————- —————— —————— ———— ————- ——————- ————— ———- ——————… ————- —————— ——— —————————- ———————titties.

This post is brought to you by the good folks at the FCC (Federal Communication Commission) and the CBSC (Canadian Broadcasting Standards Commission)!