February 2012
9 posts
11 tags
On Fathers!
I hate my dad. He is always going on about how I need to go out and find a job and get my own apartment and “grow-up”.
It’s like, yeah okay, I got it. You couldn’t have waited until after I was done breastfeeding to talk about this?
8 tags
On the First Amendment
Remember when those presidential candidates who strongly “believe” in free speech backed Ralph Nader’s challenge to be allowed into the presidential debates in 2000 and 2004?
Good times.
6 tags
On ego!
The first thing I had to learn about the Internet is that you have to pretend to be humble and deeply touched by all the love that you receive. The second thing I had to learn is that once you have some sort of “fame” you can screw pretending to be humble and touched and be a dick to everyone instead. The third thing I had to learn is that you get to a point when you can start being...
January 2012
17 posts
9 tags
On Bank Robberies!
We parked the getaway car in front of the bank and stared at the entrance.
“This is going to be awesome,” I said.
“I don’t know about this, man. Are you sure you planned everything properly?” My best friend the garbage man said.
“Are you kidding me? The only security guard on duty is a 78 year old woman. She uses a cane for Christ’s sake. Now come on,...
8 tags
7 tags
On Relaxing!
Go and pick up the nearest newspaper and read the headlines (DON’T PICK UP THE NEWSPAPER AND READ THE HEADLINES!). Did you notice how depressing and terrifying they were? Luckily I’m a world renowned* meditation expert. I have helped world leaders, celebrities, and people who play skateboards, relax. Now, for a low low price of whatever bills you send me in the mail, I will help...
2 tags
[Picture of a cat]
Mindless “pun”.
6 tags
On SOPA
I’m torn over whether to be pro-SOPA or anti-SOPA.
On the pro side, there would never be a stupid meme ever, ever again. Seriously, fuck those things.
However, on the anti side, there wouldn’t be any pornography.
This is a really tough call.
Sorry to perpetuate a stereotype, but American...
Canadian beer, on the other hand, tastes like love and happiness and I’m not going in to work tomorrow because I’ve already drank a 12 pack.
“I don’t hate blah people! My best friend is blah!”
– Rick Santorum
2 tags
Ten Sexy Ladies: 7-Eleven, 12:45AM →
tensexyladies:
7-Eleven, 12:45AM
Nobody is happy to be here. No one is proud of the decisions they’re making right now. Nothing good will come of this. Our night will not be taking a good turn because of the corn dog rollers, the egg salad sandwich, the porn magazine entitled FUGGO, the 64 fluid ounces of Pepsi mixed with Diet Pepsi, the lottery ticket, the tampons, the 5-hour energy shot, or,...
i am your canadian boyfriend: 2012 →
I awake on New Year’s Day to discover my fingers stuck in ten different vodka bottles. They make a terrible clatter as I somehow manage to don my kimono emblazoned with a .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda and the words I WILL DESERT STORM DAT ASS in Papyrus. I wait for my boner to subside and then go outside to greet 2012. The wintry air is invigorating upon my boner which did not subside. The year...
My resolution for this year is to be less bald. So...
I hope I can go another year without suffering a...
If I don't find my gun in the next 4 hours my 2011...
Celebrations.
Jesus: Judas, hey. Yo. You. Hey. What is up.
Judas: I'm going to assume from that garbled grasp of English that you're already drunk for New Year's?
Jesus: "Already"? Try *still*. It was only my birthday a week ago, man, I've still got a buzz goin'.
Judas: I don't think that's healthy.
Jesus: Quit worrying. Jeez. I swear, all your negativity is going to be the death of me.
Judas: Normally you'd be really frustrating me right now, but you know what? I'm turning over a new leaf. One of my resolutions for 2012 is "be a calmer person".
Jesus: Oh, right, resolutions. Yeah. Those are a thing.
Judas: Well surely you don't need to make any, since you're already perfect, right?
Jesus: Hey. Hey. You can always be better, Jude. Like, okay - water's pretty good, right? Especially if you're one of those dolphins the local aquarium took in? Well, you know what's better than water?
Judas: For dolphins? Nothing. The end. End of the story.
Jesus: WINE, dude. I turned that shit into *wine*. Totally improved, one hundred percent. "It's time for an undersea par-tay!" That's the song I sang.
Judas: ...
Jesus: At the aquarium.
Judas: And I'm sure everything turned out great, huh?
Jesus: Actually, it did. Because you know what else wine is great for? Funerals.
Judas: Dolphin funerals?
Jesus: You. Are. Getting. The hang. Of. This.
December 2011
35 posts
Twitter is just a bunch of people standing in...
9 tags
8 tags
6 tags
On afternoons!
Look, if I want to watch Days of our Lives in the nude and drink pots of tea, instead of trying to find a job and be responsible, I am going to damn well do so!
This is Canada, asshole! I’m exercising my rights!
NO! You get out of my house!
SHUT UP! The commercial’s over!
My first sexist joke!
My girlfriend was on her way to the kitchen to get a glass of water and I was all like, “Can you make me a fucking sandwich?” And she said, “No problem, and remember it’s your turn to cook dinner and wash the dishes tonight! And please mind your language.”
I said, “You’re right, sorry. And thank you for getting me a sandwich. I love you.”
Haha,...
Christmas kind of sucks knowing that the J-Man...
Merry Christmas, Everyone.
I love you all. In a sexual way.
May peace, love, and good health be yours in the new year.
Husband in Family Christmas Card Thinking of...
damienfahey:
5 tags
On long lost loves
Tonight I wanted to reconnect with my long lost love, baked potatoes. When they arrived I ate them all and now the police are here and I think I’m going to jail :(
Rob Delaney: My least favorite people (at this... →
robdelaney:
My least favorite people (at this second) are people who feel Obama “let them down” or “didn’t deliver on his promise.” Guys, “HOPE” was a one syllable slogan, a logo even, to get a corporate backed, big D Democrat elected in a cash contest. People like you are THE SAME THING as the “undecided” Republican caucus voters in Iowa being interviewed now and saying they’re not sure which...
BREAKING NEWS
North Korean State Television is reporting that Kim Jong Il has risen from the dead, tap danced his way into an awaiting space shuttle, and was taken to the Moon where he will reign as Universal Dear Leader.
In a show of jubilee, North Koreans have began fasting. State Television is denying International reports that North Koreans are starving due to lack of food, and not from fasting....