The world according to Alan

On trying to get my girlfriend to break up with me

“Hey dear, would you break up with me if I developed a heroin addiction?” I asked.

“Of course not! I wouldn’t abandon you in your time of need. I’d stick with you and help you get over your problem, no matter what.” She replied.

“Oh…” I said, looking down at the needle hole in my arm.

On the Superbowl

I think my favourite Superbowl of all time was the one where, in the middle of the game, one of the players stopped and asked why they were playing such a barbaric sport and then further questioned why society endorses violent games. My favourite part is when he laid down his helmet and declared, “I no longer wish to be part of something that promotes violence” and after a moment of silent self-reflection the other players started beating him up and the crowd cheered wildly.

That guy sure was an asshole.

On proof that I've been a victim of plagiarism

Sarah Palin released a “book” recently which I’m sure you all didn’t read. One passage in the book is as follows:

“…here’s my philosophy on being a carnivore: If God had not intended for us to eat animals, how come He made them out of meat?”

That’s an honest to God quotation from the book. However! I tweeted the exact same thing on April 7th of last year:

(Click to expand)

Further proof is found here.

Now, I would ask for royalties but I’m fairly certain no one is buying this book so instead I just want her to pay me ten thousand dollars and I’ll forget this ever happened.

Ball’s in your court now, Palin.

On a religious question

If Jesus could drink Mountain Dew, would he? No, of course he wouldn’t, no one would.

On reminiscing

I remember when I used to work in an office and Fridays were, obviously, my favourite day of the week.

My eyes barely left the Felix the Cat clock that sat on my desk. Not because I was constantly wondering how long until lunch time but because his eyes would move back and forth with each second that passed and boy, when you’re high on acid that really captivates your imagination.

After lunch I would quietly drink a 26er of Crown Royal in the bathroom and have a good cry. Upon returning to my office I would take off my pants and play Heart of Glass by Blondie on loop for the remaining four hours of the day, maybe squeezing in another cry if I didn’t black out.

When four o’clock hit I would run as fast as I could to the elevators, playfully shoving people out of my way as if to say, “I’m more important than you, fuck face.” Sometimes I would also playfully yell, “I’m more important than you, fuck face!” as I pushed them out of the way.

Once in my car I would blast more Blondie, attempt a burnout and speed my way out of the parking lot, playfully giving the finger to everyone I passed. Also, I would playfully swerve my car towards people walking to their cars as if to say, “I’m going to fucking kill you with my car, Ashley, if you don’t withdraw your sexual harassment complaint!”

It’s too bad I was let go, I really enjoyed working at that place.

On natural threats

Sea Turtles are threatened by light pollution and fishing nets, the Rainforest is threatened by fire and storms and I think my natural threats are wells and cornfields, mostly because I’m usually pretty drunk.

On exciting phone conversations!

“Hello, Service Canada general inquiries, I’m Susanne. How may I help you?” She said.

“Hi there!” I replied, “I really liked the piano music you played for me while I was on hold.”

“Well thank you, sir. How may I address your inquiry?” She asked, again.

“Do you think the world will end with a big earthquake or a giant asteroid?” I inquired.

“… Sir, that sort of question is best left to be answered by someone other than the government of Canada. Do you have any inquiries regarding any of the branches of Service Canada?”

“Well, I’m unemployed and lonely. I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone other than the garbage man.”

“I can forward you to the Employment section of Service Canada if you’d like.” She said with a tone of worry.

“Okay! Could you play your piano music for me? I liked that piano music. It reminds me of when I took piano lessons when I was ten! I was kicked out of piano lessons, though, because I kept touching myself. … Hello?”

“Do you think maybe the Russians took over the government and that’s why they hung up on me?” I asked the garbage man.

“I don’t know. Would you fuck off?” He said back, obviously kidding because we’re best friends.

On an open letter to the people of my town

Hey guys,

How are you?

I’m really, really sorry for killing our groundhog, “Newcastle Ned.” In my defence I was in a crystal meth haze and thought he was a radioactive killer rat. I really don’t think you guys should be that mad at me, though. After all I was just trying to help and my heart was in the right place. Yes, even as people tried their hardest to stop me I continued to beat the little guy with a two-by-four and, I’ll admit, smearing its blood all over my face was completely, completely, unnecessary.

I like to say “better safe than sorry” and I really think that saying applies here. If “Ned” turned out to be a giant man-eating rat and I didn’t savagely beat the shit out of it everyone in town would be dead, right? So really, instead of booing me when I walk through town you all should be cheering me.

You’re welcome.

Yours,

Alan

PS. To the children of Mrs Hendersen’s kindergarten class, Javex does wonders to get blood out of clothing.

On a police story

I took a drag off of my cigarette and flicked the rest off the bridge.

“It’s fucked up out there, Tommy,” I said, “grisly murders, horrifying rapes, pregnant women brutally beaten beyond recognition… it’s sick and I don’t know how much more I can take. I’ve been on the job for 10 years and I see more dead bodies in one night than I see my wife all week.”

“Who are you, mister?” Tommy asked, ”where’s my mommy?”

Later that night as I drank the last of my Jack Daniel’s I asked my wife if we had a child. When no one answered I remembered that I don’t even have a wife.

“Where did that kid come from?” I wondered.