It’s Friday night and I have 2 hours worth of TED talks loaded up!
Let’s fucking do this shit, bitches!
On Relaxing!
Go and pick up the nearest newspaper and read the headlines (DON’T PICK UP THE NEWSPAPER AND READ THE HEADLINES!). Did you notice how depressing and terrifying they were? Luckily I’m a world renowned* meditation expert. I have helped world leaders, celebrities, and people who play skateboards, relax. Now, for a low low price of whatever bills you send me in the mail, I will help you relax.
During my relaxation classes, I sit at the front of a room while my relaxers sit with their eyes closed. Calming music plays, the lights are dimmed, and I calmly and soothingly recite relaxing imagery for the people to consider. Here are some, just for you.
- Consider the water of the Earth. Each living being from the human to a blade of grass depends on it for survival. See those guys near the river’s edge? What are they doing? What is that they’re dumping into the river? That doesn’t look good.
- The trees stretch towards the Heavens. They do this to receive their food, sunlight. In this way they are like the starving children in Africa, reaching towards the aide workers. Mimic the trees and stretch your arms towards the sky. (At this time you should stretch your arms).
- Buzz buzz, says the humble honey bee. Meow meow, says the content cat. Who are you? Says my grandmother with dementia.
- Weeeew, weeeeew, weeeeew, weeeeeew, weeeeeeeeeew! Shhhh, it’s the cops. I was with you all weekend, got it?
- If there were no weirdos in this world, would women shave their pubic hair? Seriously, what’s with guys and liking a shaved vagina?
- Waves lapse upon the shore, swish, swish, swish. Look at the treasures it brings! Driftwood, for craft making; shells, for homemade jewelry; dead fish, for apocalyptic news reports; shoes with human feet inside them still, for the coroner.
- It’s cool if I’ve taken my shirt off, right? Shh, stay still and don’t open your eyes. You don’t want to see what I’m doing to my bellybutton.
- You caught me. But who here hasn’t tried to fit a doughnut in their bellybutton?
-Where are you all going?
*Claims of world renownedness still pending before the courts
This is how I diagnose myself.
Hi there!
If you’re looking for a large syringe, go behind the dumpsters at the Blockbuster and look for a guy named “Skibs”. He has all sorts of medical equipment and medicine. He gave me a flu shot that made me trip balls for three days. I still had the flu but man, when you’re digging your nails deeper and deeper into your flesh to remove the spiders that are crawling around on your bones, you don’t give a SHIT about the flu!
Good luck!
![thedailywhat:
Photo of the Day: Members of the Polish opposition party Palikot’s Movement held up Guy Fawkes masks in the Sejm today to protest their government’s recent passage of the controversial Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA).
[reddit.]
These gentlemen do know that Guy Fawkes wanted to blow up the British parliament and replace it with a theocracy, right?](http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyfasmSAWE1qzpwi0o1_400.jpg)
Photo of the Day: Members of the Polish opposition party Palikot’s Movement held up Guy Fawkes masks in the Sejm today to protest their government’s recent passage of the controversial Anti-Counterfeiting Trade Agreement (ACTA).
[reddit.]
These gentlemen do know that Guy Fawkes wanted to blow up the British parliament and replace it with a theocracy, right?
[Picture of a cat]
Mindless “pun”.
this is the entire gallery…i died xD
There really is an entire page of other various sexy degraded Hitler anime cartoon coloring book art. CLICK HERE.
Jesus Christ, Internet.
On SOPA
I’m torn over whether to be pro-SOPA or anti-SOPA.
On the pro side, there would never be a stupid meme ever, ever again. Seriously, fuck those things.
However, on the anti side, there wouldn’t be any pornography.
This is a really tough call.
Look at this crazy ass bird!
Fuck you.
Fuck you so hard.
So you’ve found yourself mixed up in a group of hippies.
Maybe you’re a church type who thought you were giving shelter to a group of homeless people, maybe you never watched those civil defence videos from the 60s and 70s they showed us in high school, maybe you’ve never watched the CBC, I don’t know. For whatever reason, you’ve found yourself mixed up in a group of hippies. You’re not sure what to do, and your brain is telling you to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry, I’m here to help.
Hippies, aside from Communists, are the worst type of people. They believe in free love, peace, rock music, drugs, and laziness. If you’re not careful, their mottos and beards will convert you into one of them.
We’re going to get through this. Just follow the steps below and everything is going to be all right.
- STAY CALM - This is the most important thing you could possibly do. If hippies sense tension, anger, or fear, they will try to calm you down with hugs and gratuitous use of the word “man”. Be cool, and stay aware of your surroundings.
- DO NOT EAT THEIR BAKED GOODS - If you’re like me, you’re from a small town where the offer of baked goods is just a friendly gesture. But the baked goods from these maniacs are laced with the hardcore drug Marijuana. A guy I went to school with smoked Marijuana once in the 90s and about a week ago he fell of a ladder while he was roofing. It’s deadly, and you do not want to get trapped in the endless cycle of rock music and snacks that accompany this crippling addiction. Also beware of their vans which are often used for “hot-boxing”. They fill the van with so much Marijuana smoke that it becomes a literal death trap.
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR - The “free-love” they promote through promiscuity isn’t so free when you’re paying for herpes cream and therapy sessions. However tempting the women may be, and however much they may seem “into you”, they are not. They are devil children who are trying to brainwash you into their sadistic pleasures.
- DO NOT ENGAGE IN DISCUSSION - Sure, you may think, “but talking about the weather or the local baseball team won’t do any harm!” That’s where you’re deadly wrong, buddy. Talk about all the rain you’ve been having and soon you’ll be balls deep in why society should just shed our clothes and dance naked in a field during a thunderstorm to be closer to God. Baseball? It’s the “man” trying to distract us by creating fake rivalries between people. And after all, aren’t we all the same? Why are we feuding over a ball, “man”? See how this works? Everything to them is about the “man” or getting naked. Steer clear of all conversations. If given the chance, they’ll try to convince you that peace is a reasonable demand.
- PATIENCE - Soon these drug addled psychopaths will fall asleep or go in search of snacks. Once this occurs, run, and run fast. Do not stop running until you see a police station, church, or military base. Report these sickos immediately. Steer clear of libraries, universities, and coffee shops. Remember that God loves you.
Signs to watch out for
Not sure if you’re dealing with a hippie? Watch out for these signs:
- Beards - Hippies have beards, even the females. Their beards are used to hide hardcore drugs like Marijuana.
- Bright clothing - Hippies wear bright clothing for when they are “tripping” on Marijuana. The bright colours cause chemical reactions in their brain, giving them sexual pleasure.
- Dancing - Hippies dance to “express” themselves. What are they expressing, you ask? We don’t know, and you don’t want to be the one to find out.
- Peace symbol - Like the Communist symbol, the peace sign represents anti-freedom. Do not stare at this symbol as disorientation will occur.
- Bicycles - What are these contraptions? How do they work? What happens to someone who isn’t a hippie when they try to use one? Scientists are still trying to find answers to these questions.
As always, if you’re unsure if you are dealing with a hippie, quote scripture or read the Constitution aloud. If the person stays, they’re okay. If they run, find a gun.
Good luck.
Sorry to perpetuate a stereotype, but American beer really does taste like watered down urine.
Canadian beer, on the other hand, tastes like love and happiness and I’m not going in to work tomorrow because I’ve already drank a 12 pack.
I don’t hate blah people! My best friend is blah!
—Rick Santorum
Ten Sexy Ladies: 7-Eleven, 12:45AM
7-Eleven, 12:45AM
Nobody is happy to be here. No one is proud of the decisions they’re making right now. Nothing good will come of this. Our night will not be taking a good turn because of the corn dog rollers, the egg salad sandwich, the porn magazine entitled FUGGO, the 64 fluid ounces of Pepsi mixed with Diet Pepsi, the lottery ticket, the tampons, the 5-hour energy shot, or, in my case, all of the above.
I put everything on the counter and the clerk takes a moment to read the tragic short story written there. When I ask for a carton of Newport menthols I can see something inside him break. Poetry is my life but maybe I should’ve majored in business or something instead? Isn’t web design an actual job now? Maybe I could do that. Yeah. Yes. It’s a new era for Skyler!
I ask if he takes checks and his shoulders sag, defeated. As he bags up my stuff I look around at my fellow shoppers and they do not look back. We go about our business quickly and quietly, eager to get back to the dark safety of our cars, the radio drowning out our thoughts. We shall never speak of this again.
i am your canadian boyfriend: 2012
I awake on New Year’s Day to discover my fingers stuck in ten different vodka bottles. They make a terrible clatter as I somehow manage to don my kimono emblazoned with a .44 Magnum Colt Anaconda and the words I WILL DESERT STORM DAT ASS in Papyrus. I wait for my boner to subside and then go outside to greet 2012. The wintry air is invigorating upon my boner which did not subside. The year stretches out before me like a gay magic scroll, its enchantments yet to be written.
I see a year filled with adventure and delight. I see a year filled with topless tickle fights and brain veins exploding with wonder. I see children holding hands and singing in harmony because I ordered them to do so and they’re scared of me. I see the sun rising on fields of robo-slaves harvesting my coca plants and setting on the twinkling sapphires embedded in my margarita flagon. I see myself breaking the neck of a giant white wolf and watching as his pack circles around me, sniffing, hesitant at first but finally bowing their heads with respect because whoever slays the head wolf becomes the new leader. I see me and my wolf pack solving crimes in exchange for sex. I see me and my wolf pack eating every world leader and becoming Emperor of Earth, launching a new era of peace for me and prosperity for me. I see me and my wolf pack rolling around in front of my fireplace and getting all crazy and pretend-fighting and just having the best time.
I wave my vodka bottle fingers at the paperboy and he starts crying in terror because he’s trapped in an old media career. I laugh uproariously, and for too long.
» Rating: GOTTA BE TEN SEXY LADIES, MY MAIN MAN. I’M CALLING IT.
Reading this was like watching the emergence of an elder god after an eternity of slumber. Reading this was like taking a step beyond madness into a dimension where pain and pleasure are but shadowy words written in smoke. Reading this was like getting a boner in tight jeans.
(Source: tensexyladies)
