Depression TED Talk - Andrew Solomon
I began to cry during the first five minutes of this video because I have never heard anyone, and have never been able to, describe what depression and anxiety genuinely feels like as Mr. Solomon does. “Yes, yes, this is exactly how it is.” I thought. Everything he says perfectly describes what life is like for those of us who live with such a wretched disease.
Anonymous asked: Can you tag your personal stuff so I can blacklist? I sorta just followed for pics..
Are those two periods an attempt at an ellipsis, therefore implying sass? Or was it an oversight when editing for typos?
Anyways, what I think you meant to say is:
I come here for the free consumable product that you are sharing for free, and this is all I care for. I do not care for you as a human being with feelings, so please refrain from publishing anything that humanizes you in any way. Please do not offend my senses with your emotions. Go back to publishing the free consumable product - which is actually just your hobby you’ve decided to share with the public - because your only worth in a capitalist society is that which you produce and nothing more. Anything that cannot be commodified is of zero value, and therefore meaningless to me and the time I spend on the Internet…
Below is a letter I was going to send but decided not to. I decided to post it here because why let a good outpouring of emotion go to waste? The first paragraph of explanation/apology has been omitted, so it gets right into the meat of the matter.
Remember what you said when you took the ring I gave you? “I know what this means”. And you accepted it, and showed it off. Did you know what it meant though? Did you know what it meant to accept something like that? Did you know what accepting it and then ending things between us a few months later - and then starting something with someone else a few weeks after that - would do?
We had a bad year, I know that. Things weren’t as fun or interesting or exciting or intimate as the previous years had been. But you had to know that our circumstances were a major factor, not to mention depression. And depression is contagious, you know. Did you not remember how it felt to be truly together? Did you forget all the times you said and meant that I was the world to you? That I was the only one who made you truly happy? That you couldn’t imagine life without me? That I was perfect for you? And when I left did you not say that you couldn’t breath without me? That you hoped one of us would hate being without the other so much that we’d move to be with them again?
How am I supposed to feel when you told me you were with someone new a few weeks after ending things between us, after you told me those things, after four years together? How am I not supposed to feel that I meant nothing to you? That I was just a placeholder so you wouldn’t feel lonely until someone better, more attractive, more fun came along? How am I possibly supposed to make sense of what happened? How am I ever supposed to come to terms with it? How could you have felt so strongly for me and then feel nothing? Because even though I sometimes feel hate and anger the overriding way I feel about you is still love and care and affection and compassion. I still think you’re perfect - not just for me, but in an overall sense. I still miss you and think about you every single day.
How could you do what you did to me? How could you? How could you take someone who thinks the world of you, who loves you so completely and purely and just act like it meant nothing? All I ever wanted was to make you as happy as you made me. That’s all I wanted to do in life. And I was pretty fucking terrible at it sometimes, but how could you just drop me and everything we had the second someone else came along? If I couldn’t be confident that what we had wasn’t what lifelong partnerships are made of, I’ll never be confident in how I feel about anything.
I love you. That’s all I can say. Even with what happened and the time that has passed I still love you as much as I always have. How can I still feel the same and for you it completely died?
Autumn has dawned. The leaves begin to get creative and show their colours. The temperature cools, but not so much that it is unpleasant to the skin. Chimney smoke offers itself to the nose. Sweaters and scarves and light jackets are dusted off and prepared for use. And in the midst of this ritual that I enjoy annually, a solemn reminder: worse depression is coming. Among the spice and colours is the looming crash which I experience each year. It hangs over me like thick storm clouds. Last year’s was the worst I’ve ever experience, for obvious reasons. I’m expecting the same for this year.
For now, though, with what little positive mood I can muster, I enjoy the harvest season.
We were together for a couple months shy of 4 years. We lived with each other for 3 years. We got a cat together, which was her idea. Her mum and sister considered me an in-law, and I considered them the same. Every day she would tell me things like “you are perfect for me” and “I can’t breath without you” and “there’s no one I could love more than you” and “you make me happier than anyone else could” and so on. She even made me promise not to breakup with her because I didn’t know how much she loved me. After I moved she would say things every day like “I miss you so much” and “the world feels wrong without you” and “it feels like someone took away a vital organ” and “I don’t know how to go on without you here” and so on.
And then days after telling me how much she missed me and couldn’t stand to be without me she broke up with me by text message. On night I was telling my friends I was moving back to be with her, no less.
About three weeks later she tells me she’s with someone new.
Any time I try to get answers from her I’m treated like some sort of pariah.
If that’s not enough to convince you that love is just horseshit companies use to sell us things, I don’t know what is.
How could she feel so strongly about me and then drop me like a warm bag of garbage the second an objectively more attractive male showed her interest? Fuck if I know.
I have no ability to trust anyone. I have no plans to go through the bullshit and garbage of another relationship. I’m no longer the person I used to be, and I suspect I’ll never be again.
I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy.